single

It’s not very often that we find someone that completely matches what we think and have felt our whole lives. This is very much something that happened to me while listening to my weekly podcasts. Famous gay man’s, Dan Savage, podcasts about relationship problems and tips. He recently had a male caller that outlined the following:

My second question pertains to maleness itself. I’ve always felt excluded from traditional masculinity: the discomfort with feelings, the one-upsmanship, the callous jokes, the unquestioned embrace of patriarchal status ideals. I have a hard time making friends with guys because I just don’t trust us to be kind and present human beings. And these days, the message that men, especially straight white ones like me, are hollow, selfish, destructive people who just make everyone else miserable for a living is coming through on all channels.

I had the idea that men are emotionally and physically dangerous instilled in me from a very young age. And in my eagerness to avoid growing up to be a wife-beating pervert rapist, I developed a fear of my own sexuality that kept me romantically paralysed for most of my adult life. I’ve loosened up a bit, but to this day I am astounded that anyone touches any of with a 10 foot pole, despite the fact that it clearly happens all the time, even occasionally to me. So I could do with a shift in perspective and I thought it might be fun to ask you, a guy who sleeps with and loves other guys: what the attraction? Despite all the shitty things that we are and do, what about men would you save if you could strip us down to nothing and rebuild us from the ground up. Because dammit, Dan, it’s very hard to feel sexy when you hate yourself this much.

Caller from Dan Savage’s podcast Savage Lovecast episode 681

I couldn’t help but not only laugh, but also nod emphatically alongside this caller’s response. Just wow. It’s basically a phone call about toxic masculinity which maybe I’ve written about before. It’s a fairly new concept that is a discussion that sparked from a documentary about American boy’s sinking into depression because of the social expectations placed on them to be masculine and “man up.” It’s called The Mask You Live In, and I totally recommend it.

This caller touches on a lot of things that really I can relate to. I never fit into the mould of the other boys. More emotional and feminine could always describe me, and as a result I related better to girls. I get them, and they get me, mostly because women tend to be better communicators. I’ve always had a hard time making and keeping guy friends, and I think it’s mostly because I don’t know how to be around them.

I find it awkward, stagnant, or toxic sometimes to be in a group. The joking and insulting nature of some guys just makes me uncomfortable, and much like the caller I can’t imagine how women or anyone else for that matter could put up with that kind of attitude or behaviour. I was taught, or rather I learned myself, to treat others the way I wish to be treated. Why would I insult others? How does that help build a bond? Why must one be the best at something and always compete?

Self hate is a real thing and it eats away at you. Little by little you feel less of man, let alone person, and it can lead to you comparing yourselves to others and wondering why those types of people that are so toxic are so well accepted and loved? What is it they have that I don’t?

I think I’ve known for a long time that the nice guy never wins. Sure we all like to have them around, but they aren’t the first person we call. They aren’t the ones that we spend all our time with. They aren’t the ones that we want to date. Nobody dates someone because they are nice or kind, and sadly it’s an afterthought.

So what happens to those men that don’t fit into the mould of masculinity? Truth be told, most of them feel the pressure so strongly they conform and it takes a strong person to be able to stand apart and be something better. This ideal that is held by society is something sought after by women and gay men all around, and I just can’t understand it.

I guess that’s why I’m single, because I’m looking for niceness or kindness and it’s so damn hard to find.

When is it just for one to be emotionally thrashed? Is there a judge in the universe that would order such a thing to happen? Is it fair that anyone is thrashed about emotionally?

The answer to all of these questions according to my own philosophies is obviously negative; no person deserves to be emotionally thrashed. So what types of these circumstances would occur?

The Strangers
Bumping into people randomly through life, that you have never seen or vaguely know obviously has less value as they have know basis upon which to judge or asses. It’s like wailing in the air attempting to land a blow, which may hurt, but never sting.

The Acquaintance
A person that knows a little about you or that has met you a few times bears a stronger punch only because they have some basis upon which to bare their hurt. Often examples of this are friends of friends trying to inflict pain upon other people to be benefit themselves or their friends.

The Friend
Piqued by the pain of a friend saying rude things and judging someone is a difficult scar to heal, because it’s based on some truth, knowledge, and understanding of a person. Often examples of this type of emotional thrashing, is betrayal of a friend. Why would a best friend sleep with their best friend’s partner? Jealousy if often the root of this particular branch.

The Partner
A scar that lasts because it’s betrayal with a poison that doesn’t allow to be healed. Often occurs in “tiffs” or “breaks” for relationships, but in my opinion it doesn’t make much sense because a partner is someone upon whom one should rely for emotional support. It’s akin to being kicked while you’re down.

The Family
Perhaps the most grievous and deadly of all betrayals; the one of blood. In olden days such treatment would be blasphemous, and today it’s similar to hurting oneself. Why would a brother, sister, parent, cousin, aunt, uncle inflict such harm upon a person? If not to harm them, but to kill them inside; nothing else.

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