relationships

I recently stumbled upon a new tarot spread that I hadn’t used before. I don’t really know the name, but the premise of it has to do with two people and helping to understand the intentions of both. This might be in terms of relationships or financial partnerships, but ultimately it’s two people.

For reasons I can’t explain, I had saved this spread a few weeks ago after finding it on reddit, and today I felt the right energy to give it a go and ask a question. It focuses on someone that I’ve recently met, and trying to understand what is going on.

The 8 Card Intentions Spread
For a lack of a better title, or until I discover the real title…

1. The other person’s energy crossed by 4. The other persons feelings for me
2. My primary/secondary energy 1 crossed by 5. My feelings for the other person
3. My primary/secondary energy 2
6. The other persons intentions 1
7. The other persons intentions 2
8. The other persons intentions 3

My Analysis

Drawing XV – The Devil as the initial card was both alarming and unsurprising; representing the other persons energy as being ignorant or blocked of some truth while also being constrained to the physical and material. Interesting, crossed was 0 – The Fool which is a natural opposing card, usually representing the beginnings or birth of faith, as an opposite it feels more like a cynic feeling or lack of faith relating to their feelings for me. Since I get a strong feeling of ignorance, I’m not very surprised that this person has been a bit foolish, superficial, or closeted. My intuition has been telling me of that things were not as they seemed, and the last thing I really want is to be taken on a ride by a person that doesn’t know what they want. Ultimately the energy of this other person, in my eyes, aren’t necessarily nefarious, but certainly more reckless than my own energy as outlined below.

In the positions of my own energy, I wasn’t surprised at all drawing the II of Swords and the King of Swords which to me is a strong energy of honesty and honourable intentions. More specifically the symbology represents the holding back and attempting to control of strong emotions, avoiding doing anything. This blocking or wall building perfectly sums of the situation, and looking at the King of Swords, further reinforces the honesty, analytical, and clear way that I’ve approached my feelings and energy. Being open and intelligent and a good communicator ring a bell in the situation, all reflecting my own energy related to my query. Opposed to these two cards is VII – The Chariot representing my feelings for the other person. Here I’m a bit perplexed as the symbol of victory, or using will to overcome situations might suggest the way I have handled the situation. I’m not sure if this is how it was during, or rather later after reflection, but in a lot of ways I do think I’ve been strong willed and overcome certain obstacles.

The remaining three cards representing the other persons intentions are IV of Pentacles, XX – Judgement, and the Queen of Cups. Initially my gut feeling of the ego and possessiveness didn’t really make sense to me, but looking a little closer with the judgement, or perhaps self-judgement, perhaps a decision needed to be taken. Being a bit biased since this is about me, I know the decision, but the card suggests that perhaps an absolution or resolution was sought, regardless of the outcome. I know there were certainly steps taken that seemed new on their part, perhaps it was this moment was a true moment of reckoning. Juxtaposed to this for the other person’s intentions is compassion of the queen. IT makes me wonder, is this the gentle nature that I felt, despite the confusion and harsh judgement? Though intuition can often be associated with this card, I think the other persons intentions were not quite there. Clear and caring communication was evident, but there was otherwise blockage on their part. Positive intentions masked by childish possessiveness and harsh actions.

Final thoughts

I think this spred helped me to solidify how I feel about the situation, as there were questions of intentions and a true feeling of openness and honest actions on my part, but on the other hand the intentions and feelings the other were perhaps more mixed and despite good intentions, perhaps the other person follows the fool’s journey and is early on in this self-discovery. I sort of intuitively knew as I was pulling these cards that there was something being confirmed in terms of the intentions of the other, but I just needed to reflect and check up on some opposing energies.

While I may be way off, I wonder if there are other interpretations? Did I miss something, or perhaps another someone else fill in some gaps in a more unbiased way? If you’re versed in tarot, I’d love to hear from you!

An area of concern for the asexual community is health and well-being. While it might be simple to think, “oh yes, they have fewer needs, so how can they be at a disadvantage?” the disadvantages are actually two-fold and much more negative than one might expect. In particular in the areas of: physical health, emotional health, mental/intellectual health, social health, environmental health, and spiritual health.

Emotional Health

For asexuals, I think the most difficult thing to think about is the emotional health of a person. Due to the socially-imposed feelings of feeling broken, and very similar to the risks of being part of the LGBT community, asexuals are often at higher risks of depression. This mostly comes from the feelings of shortcomings and not being able to meet the needs of people, or even meet their own emotional needs. This can cause ramifications in other areas of life such as work, relationships, and negatively influence the people around them.

Trauma experiences due to past relationships, or even none at all, might result in the lack of willingness to try to take part in dating, or developing friendships or making meaningful connections with other individuals. It’s important to recognize that support in this area is imperative, as even many medical professional still don’t know much about asexuals, and psychiatrically trained practitioners might not be able to assist with asexual issues because of lack of perspective, empathy, or understanding of the needs or workings of asexual individuals.

One positive thing, I think, is that asexuals utilise their communities quite extensively to help to navigate their emotional needs and boundaries. They learn more quickly about what their needs are, and are more open to emotional exploration because it’s the main facet of their expression. This makes them more articulate when speaking about their feelings, their needs, and why they think they feel that way and how it might be managed.

Physical Health

One of the main topics of concerns for asexuals is physical abuse, which normally comes in the form of sexual assault, or sexual pressures associated with interacting with allosexual people. If an asexual is sex-adverse then the pressures of them dating an allosexual are compounded because 1) the needs of the allosexual are not being meet, and 2) the social pressures that come with evolution of relationships. As a result, many ace people are pressured into sexual encounters with partners, or experiencing a lack of empathy and understanding for their needs or their wishes, resulting in possible sexual assault.

This is especially true for teenagers that are ace and are discovering their needs and dealing with puberty and the sexual urges of their peers. They might be pressured into doing something that they feel they can’t say no to; or even in the adult communities the same pressure for fear of rejection.

There is a wide-spanned debate about how asexuals and hormone levels are either part of the “norm” or if they are “anomalies.” Personally, I believe that unless science says otherwise, ace individuals don’t have anything physiologically wrong with them, and therefore hormone supplements or specialised medication are not necessary.

Some aces report that their doctors put them on medication regimes to try to “fix” their asexuality, and I think such an act stems from lack of proper education or even basic research about asexual communities from medical professionals. A particularly good resource for medical professionals can be found courtesy of the Resource for Ace Survivors. Educate yourself, people…

Mental/Intellectual Health

This type of health mainly focuses on the person’s ability to recognise reality and cope with life. For asexuals, reality will look a little more one way than another, and that’s natural considering that we all have different perspectives of reality. To asexuals, for example, is more sexual than one would expect. How they cope with that, is yet to be fully understood or managed but at least identifying it is a start.

Looking at their own situations in terms of their own self-actualisation and self-understanding might be more heightened while at the same time more self-critical due to the feelings of not belonging or not being good enough for this or that. The differences between allosexual and asexual people are vast, and therefore they are less likely to be able to engage intellectually or mentally with people, due to lack of common ground, understanding, or empathy. This has obvious ramifications on social well-being and connections between individuals across sexual orientation lines.

Social Health

To put it simply, social well-being of asexuals should be a major concern for health-care professionals. The feelings of not belonging or not finding their places in the world are heightened because they are navigating a world that is basically foreign to their views. People lose friends because of being asexual. People don’t consider dating asexuals due to ignorance. People treat asexuals with indecency and lack of respect due to lack of understanding. They just don’t feel like they fit in, and as a result social interactions are strained or limited.

I read once a thread on AVEN regarding how many people thought they would die alone due to their asexuality and how that might compare with allosexuals asking the same connection. The results were really depressing, and if you look at it from a logical point of view, or even at the statistical numbers, it’s pretty depressing and bleak. Why else do you think aces would seek comfort and try to “compromise” with allosexuals in order to be at the table for dating or relationships. The thought of sticking to the ace community in itself, and dealing with geographical limitations due to low-percentages of the community, is enough to send someone into instant depression and feelings of helplessness.

Just like there is stigma for other sexual orientations, asexuals suffer from the same results of coming out as LGBT individuals. Though, when you think about it, in theory there should be less hate coming from religious beliefs, but since it’s a fairly new concept most classical religions wouldn’t have any thoughts or perspective on it and it would depending on spiritual leaders to set by example.

Environmental Health

While this might not be a major concern of the ace community, it’s pretty well-connected with social and mental health. While ace people are at risk of mental illnesses, they tend to be able to exist in harmony with societies, mostly because they aren’t rubbing against the core values of them. Unless there is financial circumstances, asexuals would normally have access to shelter, food, and most normal amenities.

Spiritual Health

This one is a bit difficult for me to navigate because I’m agnostic in terms of religion, but I guess that in terms of other types of spiritual beliefs such as ethics and morals, those tie in with physical and emotional needs. Asexuals might have strong morals and ethics, or loose ones depending on the individual, but my feeling is that they might need to be a bit more flexible with them when navigating dating or relationships.

Asexuals beliefs about their own asexuality are as strong convictions of those of religious individuals, mostly because they are more deeply personal and are related to facts of what they are, versus abstract ideas of what they believe in. Religion is a choice, where being asexual isn’t, so it’s tough to argue against someone who self-identifies about someone, when really nobody has a better understanding of other people, unless you’re psychic or clairvoyant or something.

---

For further research, the website Asexual Explorations keeps a detailed bibliography of academic asexual research that is worth investigating if you’re interested.

Do you know your alphabet? I can only assume that your response as a reader would be affirmative, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to read what I’m writing; but perhaps you’re reading with assistive technology, which is equally cool! Gotta love technology and how it allows us to access any type of content.

When we talk about the alphabet in the ace community, it’s often something that comes up in other circles on the internet and in life: the LGBTQIA community. What do the letter mean? Are there more letters? Why do I hear about LGBT and have no idea what LGBTQIA is? Well the answer is simple, and not so simple.

The LGBTQIA Community

When people who fit outside the “norms” of society they often search for communities to which they can belong. This is absolutely true for the LGBTQ community, which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, and Queer/Questioning. But the question remains, even with these communities, are they all inclusive? Do heterosexual people, for instance, take part in these communities? The answer is a hesitant yes, maybe. Some people in all communities are allies for the people inside, and help wage the war of information and acceptance. Everyone appreciates those people, but they might not necessarily feel like they belong to the community.

Historically this community only represents people on the sexual spectrum (homosexual, bisexual for both genders) but in certain circumstances can include a wider range of individuals, like for example the transexual community, or intersex community. It really just depends on who you’re talking to, and how inclusive a community is willing to be. Some might even include asexuals, but that’s a question up for debate depending on the person. Don’t worry, I’ll explain.

Asexuals and the LGBTQIA Community

Since asexuals are becoming more mainstream (though admittedly due to the numbers it’s likely to never be mainstream in the truest meaning), some decide to become involved in certain communities. Though it begs the question, does a heteroromantic or aromantic asexual belong in the LGBTQIA community? The “A” suggests that it’s included, but do heteroromantic aces belong with lesbians, gays, bisexual,s trans, queer, questioning, or intersex others?

I would be bold enough to say, not necessarily but it depends on the person. A heteroromantic ace likely would only be apart of that community if they were unable to find another of their own, or because they are an ally. As asexuals, they aren’t really represented in minority groups like this, which are mainly focused on sexuality. Sure it’s great to be inclusive, but my example ace likely wouldn’t get much out of (except education) a LGBTQ community.

A biromantic asexual however would get something out of a community like this, but it depends on the person. We read about how hypersexualized the world is and these communities are no exception, but at least there is a common thread or common romantic experiences with these people with whom they can relate. Sure it’s mixed up with sexual attraction, but for the 99% of the human population sexual attraction and romantic attraction go hand-in-hand. Usually ace people are educated enough in their own orientation to navigate through these communities, but they still aren’t really represented by them.

The Asexual Debate

The debate comes up every so often in ace circles: “do we belong in LGBTQ?” thereby adding an additional “A.” The votes split, and it depends on who is talking, but if the answer is yes, then you’d be including the demi/gray-aces, homoromantic & biromantic aces, and excluding the heteroromantic aces, and the aromantic aces. The community, thus, splits into different factions. That’s what’s so dangerous or worry some about joining forces with other communities: there will always be people that are underrepresented.

I’m not saying that they don’t belong, I’m just saying that the only people that are really going to understand and relate to other asexuals are asexual people or allosexuals with a lot of experience with asexuals (it’s rare).

It’s Confusing

Unless you’ve been around the asexual community a long time, you likely wouldn’t have much experience being able to navigate your thoughts, feelings, confusion, or questions about yourself. Sure aces can try to get their answers online (i.e. Reddit’s /r/AskRedit), but with lack of information and education about asexual issues or even basic visibility, the answers one would get are quite polarizing, hostile, and unhelpful.

It’s particularly hard when asexuals are trying to navigate their feelings and sometime seek out fulfillment of their emotional or romantic needs. They find people that they think they might get along with, but often feel broken because it’s not going the way it should be.

It’s especially true about asexual dating. Most aces find allosexuals to date, but how do they approach it, or when do they come out? It’s simple being asexual when you’re alone, in theory, but for asexuals yearning for their needs to be met just like the 99% of the rest of the population, it begs the question, how can it work for them too?

It comes down to education and individual needs. If mainstream populations were more educated about asexuals they would be more willing to understand and accept them as possible partners, or even help them integrate into other communities. I hope this can happen, but there is a sinking feeling inside my gut that it just won’t be there.

Until that happens, the best we can do as humans is try to find inclusive environments for all people of all types, and promote that.

 

---

Dylan Edwards posted a really cool narrative on his website from which I’ve used some of the images in this blog post. Check out the full story of his journey being an Evangelical Christian to an asexual trans man. 

I was made aware of something very poignant lately. Over the last few days I’ve been walking around looking for Pokémon, and I’ve noticed the number of walkers, drivers, and people doing things in groups. It doesn’t ever seem to be alone. Most people might not notice this, but I picked up on it very quickly.

Then I hung out with a group of friends of mine and it became painfully obvious how alone can be in a group of people. People gravitate towards their partners or their besties, and I’m left to feel like I don’t belong.

To further amplify this, what happens when you start looking through your Facebook photos to find that the vast majority of the photos are of things or oneself, but not with other people?

And to take it one step further, when you look at your life and how you’ve shaped it, and how it seems inconceivable to be able to integrate someone else into you life because you’ve set it up so much to be the best suited for being alone.

I guess this calls for an appropriate hashtag #ForeverAlone

New Ontario sex-ed curriculum ready for September, CBC News, Feb 23, 2015

Ontario has updated its sexual-education curriculum for the first time in nearly two decades and it will be rolled out across the province this fall.

Education Minister Liz Sandals unveiled the new curriculum at a news conference Monday, saying the government won’t back down in the face of criticism as it did in 2010 when religious groups complained about proposed revisions.

Sandals said she anticipates some criticism, but the new lessons are key to keeping children safe.

Out of the dark ages, Ontario emerges with a new “touchy” subject that’s like a hot potato that teaches don’t want to touch. It’s an uncomfortable topic for a lot of Canadians and when they start talking about it they feel a shame and a guilt about it. Originating from a Puritanical society can be damaging to progressive values, because by definition puritan is conservative in it’s progress.

While I may not be a sexual person in nature I don’t really have much problem talking about that, especially with my students (although it can be quite awkward). Why would I be comfortable teaching this health and sexual education curriculum? Well because holding a veil of obscurity in front of children for “conservative values” doesn’t benefit them in the long run. Where knowing something might make them more curious, it’s not any more curious than they are already. Proper education on the subject just removes the shame or the guilt associated with it.

For instance, on this same interview a sexual education assistant educator talked about poignant issues like masterbation and consent on national televisions and to be completely honest it made me jump a little. I mean, did they just say that on national television? It made me think, well it’s not wrong and they are having a mature conversation about it in a public forum without being grotesque or inappropriate. It’s a model of what future societies should be.

A funny moment came when they were discussing to “too much too soon” approach which I don’t think is true. I really do think that children are bombarded with conflicting messages about sexuality and need to learn about them and the options later in life. If nothing else the knowledge can empower them to make more valued decisions about their own actions and beliefs. “Why don’t we wait for them to ask us?” one parent poignantly asks. Well for starters they might never ask and therefore not ever get the conversation going.

In my experience as an educator, a large number of parents aren’t filling the appropriate role that they are put into: a parent. They might provide shelter, and love, and nourishment, but lack a unity with teacher about learning. Too often the parents are pitted against teachers which is confusing for children and doesn’t benefit them in the long run. Too much responsibility has been transferred from parenting to teaching and now parents are upset about it because they haven’t empowered themselves to retain a stronger role.

As someone that grew up not having any sort of conversation with my parents about that, I can see the negative results. I’m lucky in that I’m a bright human being that is curious and informs myself by doing a lot of research on topics , but other children don’t have the access or the know-how of doing the same as me. I believe that if conversations about positive and healthy relationships and sexuality happened growing up, I think I might have had a much more positive outlook on it and have been better prepared for things that came.

But here I sit as a bitter, pre-30 spinster that doesn’t have positive experiences with sex education or experience with positive relationships regardless of their type. I guess that’s what happens when you’re raised by conservative parents that keep the veil over the eyes of their child. 😐