reflection

Since I spend a lot of time just watching and thinking about things, reflecting on them, trying to formulate hypothesis about why people do or act like they do, something came to my mind that started getting me reflecting on my own experiences and/or how I think about social suicide. I think by my own definition, social suicide, is defined by doing something out of the norm that results in being ostracized or feeling ostracized.

While it might not be social suicide, per say, it got me thinking about a few times in my life:

1/ Being at a bar with colleagues, and noticing someone that had been there for hours by themselves and not having a good time. Not being interested in all, I decided that I would go talk to them to see if they were enjoying themselves or needing some help, or just someone to listen to. I approached and said “Hello” and all I could see after that point was the back of their head walking away.

2/ Being at a disco with some quasi-friends, I noticed someone that was by themselves the whole night and was watching around. I thought it would be nice to talk to them, and I did and a nice long conversation ensued. It was so good that my quasi-friends all abandoned me and left without telling me. Thinking that I was doing something nice, and not having any interest in this person, I thought that we were getting along and could be friends. Turns out this person only goes to bars to get an ego boost and make themselves feel like “they still got it” despite being in relationships.

3/ Trying to become a more warm person by not being adverse to appropriate physical interactions. I found people that i thought I trusted as friends, and started to greet them with hugs or fist pumps (for anyone that knows me, that one should make you laugh). While it seemed okay at first, I started to notice behaviours of avoiding me and outwardly rejecting.

These are just a sampling of some experiences, and I’m sure they could be extended back even farther with countless other examples but it got me wondering:

What do you consider social suicide?

Leave a comment and tell me what you think!

Most people are mildly aware of what goes on in their lives. They see things through their eyes, they hear thing through their ears, they feel things through their skin, and they judge thing based on those perceptions.

Someone said something to me that made me think tonight, and in all fairness it changed how I was thinking and how I thought. I’m confortable with my situation; who I am, what I want, what I don’t want, and how my reality is and how it doesn’t fit into the grand scheme of things…

I know who I am and what I do and what I feel; I know my limitations and I I know what extents I will go to do things that I want, or what I deem to be important or “worth it.” There are times when I do is questionable, but when it comes down to it, I am true to myself and another person made me think of that. I know when I’m thought of poorly, I know when I get a dirty look (because I see it and I feel it), so it’s not unrealistic or immature to react negatively, or in my case “accept” what the reality is.

I just think there are a lot of people that don’t see things thought my eyes or through the situations that I’ve lived, and for that I respect their ignorance, but really.. 365 days a year of being on the defensive is tired, and there are moments when I’m weak and let things get to me. I shouldn’t let it, but it does.

There was a moment today when I had a conversation with a pathetically positive person (to whom I can’t relate very little…) ; it was discouraging and odd all at the same time. When someone knows the reality, and knows the situation, they are more apt to make a judgement, but when it comes to me they are often wrong.

Where am I going with this? It’s simple… A moment occurs and we realist something and it affects our mood and we get into a “rut..” As awesome and fabulous that I am, I’m the one to go home myself and daydream about the world and how it would be if things were different for me; if I were normal, or I were in some way able to relate to people.

I am, after all, the one with the imagination to “get me through the day” and to not have a mental breakdown. Although I want to have several, I keep it together, and it’s me and me alone. I don’t count the extra pillow to which I cuddle, because realistically if I were to count that, it would make it more valid, when rally it’s just my situation.

With something to think about and to reflect upon, this is me signing off.

I’ve been pondering something for a long while coming now.. two months in fact, and I haven’t really gotten the energy or drive to write anything about it until this exact moment. I was laying in my new room on my bed, observing the sun rising on the horizon out my window, and the clouds that block its rays from reaching my room. I recalled that I haven’t reflected or summarized my experiences in the last year in regards to a specific topic.

Besides the fact that I’m grossly overdue in posting, I figured this would be a good opportunity to put into words the muddle duddle of thoughts that have floated through my head over the last year. Yes it will be cliché, yes it’s something that everyone knows about, but I just feel like it would help to have it down in “paper.”

(more…)

Something happened to me tonight that makes me very, feeling strange I would say. It was an Erasmus night, and of course the others wanted to go out. We went to a Lebenese resteraunt and had a fun time, minus me, and then we met Mattchew, Mathilde, Mathieu et al. at a bar, where I leaned against a corner and was awkward as always.

Mathieu showed no interest in talking to me. This left me gutted.

We went to another bar, and I’ve discovered that the mathetmatical equasion 2 + 2 + 2 + 1 does not exual 7, but it equals 6 + Me. That doesn’t work. Again, ignored.

Did something rude, didn’t say goodnight, went home and with Audrey ran into someone crying on the street. It was an 18 year old who is manic depressive and who got abandoned by his friends. We spoke with him for a few minutes and made him smile, and got him to go home where it would be good. This situation made me realise what I am, and what I’m not. I’m not a good enough person for anything, and it makes me feel even worse than I do already (which is pretty bad in comparison).

Apart from that, I’ve come home, walking the slowest ever walked by me since I was 4 years old, can’t seem to get over it, and have decided that I’m going into total isolation. Turning my phone off (not like anyone is going to call it..) and not being seen by anyone other than my students.

I don’t have enough energy to be around people, and what bothers me the most is when the perfect people exclude you, and then use their sweetness and kindness to make it seem like it wasn’t intended. The next time I’m left somewhere, I’m leaving without letting anyone know. One day I’ll disappear and I hope people freak out and I ruin their time, like they ruin mine.

Taking a moment to state something that I’ve just stated over and over but really just I need to vent about it. Humanity sucks and I want it to drop dead and become dead and never return, okay thanks. I know I’m apart of humanity but really take me with you, as I’m far better to deal with all the shit that I deal with.

What’s the deal with that woman with a wig wanting a picture with me? At first I thought it would be cool, but then I think she was just taking the piss of me or something and thought it would be funny to take a picture with the crap looking guy sitting behind her. Apart from that, blah on everyone.

When you tell someone that you fancy them and they say nothing to you, and then proceed to tell you to get lost, leave the conversation because they don’t want to deal with you? It’s frankly shit, and I can’t believe that I put myself through that. I’ve really had an itch to just bitch about it cause it pisses me off. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, and then the very same day they turn around and then falls in love with someone else who happens to be my friend. Ouch like seirously, and saying that I’m immiture; that’s not the immiture things to say.

Sure I’m insecure but still that doesn’t give someone a right to play around with my feelings especailly in a vulnerable moment in which they know I’m very vulnerable. Seriously. Asking me for help some months ago and really being serious about it and taking it seriously, and then breaking everything you said you would do and then treating me like shit is just absolute crap for everything and I can’t deal with it.

I feel such a dislike for the way that you’re treating me, and yet I still make it so that it gets to me. And for that it makes me further hate myself because I allow it to get to me like that. And what does everyone say to me about it? Absolutely nothing, that’s right. Because I’m always the one to leave people with this completley clueless and loss for words mood. You know how that feels?

Fucking horrible, that’s forsure.