hope

Courtesy of Tumblr’s @lionguard

While the title of this post could often be misconstrued by the overly sexualised humans that roam the Earth and peruse the internet, I am not in fact writing about contraceptives such as condoms. I’m talking about the protection of people; let me elaborate.

I was reading some things on reddit, as one does, and a situation that someone presented made me think of something and it led me to a reflection upon the needs of a person. User u/Independent_Year describes how he, as a straight man, seems to be falling in love with a gay friend of his:

I have tried to rationalize my attraction – he’s a delicate looking guy – so I must have been thinking of him as a ”substitute girl” of sorts, and putting myself in the role of ”badass” protector. But rationalizing haven’t lessened my feelings at all. At first I though hey – you feel like a big brother from another mother for him, that’s why your so protective. At least that’s what it might have been at beginning. But seeing other guys in the LGBT club hit on him .. makes me feel angry and quite possessive…. Not quite fraternal .

And it’s these comments that led me to imagining this protection that he wants to provide, and that I would imagine a lot of people in the history of humanity yearn to find. It is something that we want; we want to know that we are safe, we want to know that we have someone or something that can protect us, and we want to know that someone will be on our side when the goings get tough.

It’s a valid thing want, what with the world being in such a whirling wreck and so much hate all around. And even if you can’t empathise with me, at the very least we wall want to feel safe. I know it’s something that I’ve always imagined, always pined for, and it never appearing. I’ve had it in dreams, so many dreams since a young age, where there is a faceless defender and protector being there to support.

Now I will also clarify that this doesn’t fall the damsel in distress archetype, but more of the moral and physical reinforcement. In my dreams, will the face reveal itself an identity? Will this person ever encounter me, or feel the need or want to protect my wellbeing? Or will it just stay a figment of intangible imagination that will forever linger in my mind?

There are few moments in ones life where they can say that the stars align in their favour, but I can honestly say that the evening of April 4the was one of them. I simply am left without words, which for those who know me is quite the feat.

And what do I mean by stars aligning? Well take a look first at my horoscopes for the day.

Today you might have an important discussion with your romantic partner, osky. You’ve been experiencing some intense emotions over the past few days, and you might want to share your concerns with someone. You’ll feel better if you give voice to some of your hopes and fears. By verbalizing these ideas, they will lose some of their emotional charge. You’ll soon feel calmer and more in control, and your sweetheart will appreciate your honesty.

You will be in a good mood today and ready to share your high spirits with loved ones. With the Sun square Pluto, you might decide to take your family out to a new setting, such as a special restaurant or entertainment center. If you are single, you’ll be in the mood for a change of scene, and you might venture out of town for some good times tonight.

So really having reflected upon my walk home from the bar tonight, it really does fit well. So what has happened that was so important in my life to shift the axis of my emotions from hopeless towards content? Well for starters it started with boredom in a class that I was really struggling to focus in. My attention was focused within the last five minutes of class on an individual for whom I have had strong emotions for the last 6 or so months.

Fleeting or impossible as it may be, it’s unimportant to me because I recognize the need to have something to wake up for each day and be excited about. Whether or not I see them, or will bump into them is always a mystery but out of nowhere the conversation thanks to Facebook reached a pointe where it was “what are you doing tonight?” and the stars lined up. We were going to the same location, and thus panic ensued. I spent the latter part of the the time between the middle of class and time at the bar figuring out what to where and what I was going to do.

Desperate and pathetic SMS conversations followed and I was off to the location. So what happened that made the stars align? I made a new friend, in the most odd of places (at a bar) that actually seems like a good person and someone that I can spend the next few months around that will enjoy my company and be receptive to my awesomeness. Secondly and more importantly I had extensive talks on multiple occasions with my scandalously unavailable interest. Here and there, now and then, past and present I found myself gravitated and unable to resist making conversation.

I regret nothing, I didn’t doubt myself, and I went for what I wanted and I got what I wanted and then-some. I solidified as a friendship, and I made a new connection. These are important milestones in my life and I could not wait until morning to write them down. Which reminds me I have to text someone in the morning as I promised, and I have to live up to the expectation of not being a mean person (which I’m not), but the ice queen persona will need to be hidden as much as possible if I’m willing to pursue friendship with people.

Pray for my good fortune and continued success in things that I otherwise fail at. I appreciate anything I can get, and hope that restored hope in the situation will bear fruit of the most juicy and worthy of experiences.