experiences

It’s once in a blue moon that strange and exciting things happen to people like me. Mostly because I keep to myself and I don’t partake in many activities that the majority of people do. Having said that, a few weeks ago I took part in something totally out of character and it was a strange and hilarious experience that I can’t help but share.

A couple of my colleagues and I went out for a first week celebratory sushi outing. Low-key in comparison to other group events, the intimate evening included laughing, emotional highs, lows, and of course lamenting on the singledom that China bounds people to. In the defence of the Chinese, they are used to Asians and finding suitable choices of people of different ethnicities is probably unideal.

Despite this disadvantage I got sick of hearing girls complain about their misfortunes when in fact it was about their choices and lack of putting themselves out there that largely contribute to their loneliness. I’ve been the only one on staff that’s been able to make friends in China because I’ve been trying and they just complain and do nothing about it. So I got all diva on them and told them to download 陌陌 and see what they could find. If you don’t know what this is, it’s a sort of dating/hookup/social/who knows what in China. Bottom line you meet people, whether nefarious characters or not.

We delved into our phones, and of course I was right. They got messages and we proceeded to have strange broken Chinese-English conversations with a bunch of people. Not put off at all by foreigners they seemed to be curious and friendly, even towards people of darker skin. Our Chinese-Canadian friend in the corner who’s very fluent in spoken Mandarin but not in writing was quiet, and out of nowhere she started flapping. Apparently we caught a live one.

She showed us some pictures and the news that he wanted to go see a movie with her this evening. We had no such desire to do that so we proposed to just meet him to hang out. He agreed and we excitedly freaked out and set off for our destination, unsuitably dressed in casual clothing and looking like a bunch of bums dying in the humidity of China. We got halfway there, underestimating how long it would take walking with the “Island” folk who clearly do things at a 1/4 pace compared to everyone else. So we stopped at a bus station and he called looking to find out where she was. She said to him the bus stop and gave a description, and for the next 5 minutes we waited for a very attractive Chinese man to meet us.

Dozens of cars passed by and with each there was a panic. It wasn’t until one of the girls got freaked out at me freaking out that she said, “Why are you freaking out? Don’t you do this all the time?” to which I screamed back “No! I chat to them for a month and then meet them for dinner or a walk! OMG!” Then a nicely finished and shiny black car approached and slowed down and the window opened. Unlike most catfishes, the picture was for real and we found ourselves in front of a somewhat shellshocked attractive Chinese man.

She told him that she was with her friends because she was nervous, and he said it was okay and asked us to get into his car. Being adults of excellent education, getting into a stranger’s car is probably one of the worst things that one can do, but onwards ever forging onwards or something. Two of us were in the back giggling and trying desperately to understand the Chinese conversation going on in the front. According to our friend who provided us with infrequent translation summaries, this man was 29, single with non-stable work, and recently was in a car accident on his way to get us. He was drunk, little did we know, after having 8 beers with his mates and as a result of being so excited to meet my friend, got into an accident for which he had to pay ¥500 to bribe the victim. All to meet some foreigner girl – keep it classy, China!

So as we giggle our way trying to understand the conversation, I got some parts about him knowing that she was from Shanghai because of her accent and such, and he seemed relatively harmless and nervous. Shy as Asian men are, having one black woman, a white guy, and a Chinese-Canadian in his car it would be unfair to expect different behaviour.

He drove us to some large pot structure outside of a park, and upon getting out of his car he immediately went to the trunk to get something, which I assumed to be a weapon with which he’d kill us, but instead he opened a package of cigarettes and offered me one, being a polite man to another man and ignoring the others. I refused, to his shock, as nearly all men in China smoke (eww!).

We walked around he desperately tried to explain the structure in Chinese but it was lost in translation. It was at this point that we discovered that he doesn’t speak a lick of English, which made our funny conversations all the more secretive. We got to this one part of the park and he ushered us back into the light; so apparently he’s not psycho and wants to stay safe. First good sign of the night!

He finished smoking and I was taking in the surroundings. I judged that he was divorced, had one or two kids, and was from the military. I based all of this information on the fact that Chinese people unmarried after 25 is rare, and he seemed too hot to pass up by some unsuspecting girl, and walked in the manner of someone that worked in the military. My friend was drilling him with questions, and he didn’t seem perturbed, just shy.

We got back into the car and he took us to another place, along the area of 西津渡 which is the old port ferry area that is nice. It appeared to be the Zhenjiang version of “Makeout Point” as it was mostly couples kissing, having what appears to be sex, and people illegally fishing. The water murky, and views of Yangzhou across the river, again China is keeping it classy. We walked around there and things were getting a bit flirty, the giggling recommenced and then the truth came out. I was dead on with my assessment, he’s 29, was married and has one child, and divorced which all makes sense. He showed us pictures of his ex-wife and his adorable 4 year old child and we proceeded to walk around the port.

We played some games like “guess my age” and I was horrified that for the first time ever someone guessed above my age, or above the age of 24 for that matter. He did preface the game saying that he has no idea how to judge the age of foreigners, so I guess I shouldn’t be that uncomfortable about it. We walked back to his car in the darkness of night and he appeared to be getting less shy. He has a great smile that’s very genuine but by this point, not understanding anything he’s saying, something still isn’t sitting right in my mind.

As we approach the decked out car, I asked my friend if we should get a taxi home, as to not – you know – cockblock or something. I was trying to be a good friend, I guess. She was horrified and ordered us into the car, and we proceeded. Then he’s asking us where he should drive us, and we told him what village we live in and to drop us off at a mall location where we can catch a taxi. He refused, being a gentleman and convinced us to let him drive us home. We tried to communicate the address but not knowing the Chinese characters he was putting into his GPS my friend whipped out her business card. I warned her that she wouldn’t get it back, and she thought I was crazy. He put it in, pocketed the card and I laughed hysterically. She was horrified.

He turned on the music and away we go. On our journey he said he was in our village to pick up money earlier in the day so he’s familiar with it. This made me more circumspect. Why would he be picking up money in my little fishing village? He warned us that we should be careful because it’s very dangerous there. This is where I started to ask questions and something didn’t make sense. I’ve never felt safer than my little village. This may be because I have no idea what’s going on and ignorance is blissful, but seriously I’ve rarely seen fights or arguments or anything nefarious.

Then he asks for our contact details and he’s all excited about meeting the first foreigners ever and making new friends. I gave him my WeChat detail and such, and being nonchalant about the whole thing. Then he decides that he wants to impress my friend by giving her a present. He whipped out a flashlight and started to hand it over, then turned it on and it was… wait for it… a taser. Yes, a freaking taser. We all screamed and at this point in the night I thought, “Okay, this is where our poor judgement comes to bite us in the butt and he tazers us all and robs us and kills us.” He calmed us down just trying to show this (all while he’s driving, likely drunk). He then proceeds to give her the USB charger, because, well, it needs power I guess. And then he gives her an extendable billy club, and I start to lose it.

Why the f* does he have a taser and a billy club? My friend asked him again, and he gave the same “It’s dangerous here in China” and while I was being a diva and all “What the heck kind of neighbourhoods does he live in? Why does he need this? Shut the front door!?” we decide it’s harmless and she takes the taser, but refuses the otherwise unclassy club.

We huddle to decide a nondescript place he can drop us off that’s close to everywhere, and he does. With no awkwardness, or lingering “I want to have sex with you” body language on his part, he exits and we proceed home. I forgot to mention that all of us had dead phone batteries, so obviously we made some really poor decisions.

I get home and plug my phone in, and within 5 minutes he sent a message saying he was home safely. I thought to myself, weird. Either he went back to the city 50km away at the speed of 150km/h or he lives very close, there is no way he could have gotten there in time. It takes 40 minutes at 100km/h to get to the downtown. I thought little of it and continued a conversation.

I mentioned where I wanted to go and such, and he got all intolerant and hateful of Xinjiang people. Then proceeded to send me videos of a woman getting her throat cut, and beheadings that apparently happen in Xinjiang province. Perturbed, I decided to peace out and go to sleep. Not before he tries to weasel his way into our plans for the next day. No dice, brother.

Hot may ye be, that desperate are we not. It wasn’t until the next day that my suspicions were correct about his military background and all the other details, but we brainstormed what he might do for work. He mentioned going to casinos and such, so he could be a casino worker (which we found out to be illegial in China), a drug dealer, a loan shark, or a prostitute. How else would he afford all this nice stuff? After him sending some racy photos to us, I started to think he’s a prostitute, or really just a regular guy. I mean, guys send photos like that, right? Well, I’m led to believe so, but overall he seems harmless to me.

He messages me all the time asking where is my friend, and he clearly wants to be with her. I just move on and bypass all that and ignore it, because the bottom line is we hooked up (in a nonsexual way) with a really hot Chinese person that didn’t decapitate us. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll be a nice friend that we go “clubbing” with.

Lessons to be learned: don’t do this again, unless you’re really drunk and in a group of 3 which is much harder to kill and cover up than doing it alone. Don’t associate with possible drug dealers, loan sharks, or prostitutes?

Since I spend a lot of time just watching and thinking about things, reflecting on them, trying to formulate hypothesis about why people do or act like they do, something came to my mind that started getting me reflecting on my own experiences and/or how I think about social suicide. I think by my own definition, social suicide, is defined by doing something out of the norm that results in being ostracized or feeling ostracized.

While it might not be social suicide, per say, it got me thinking about a few times in my life:

1/ Being at a bar with colleagues, and noticing someone that had been there for hours by themselves and not having a good time. Not being interested in all, I decided that I would go talk to them to see if they were enjoying themselves or needing some help, or just someone to listen to. I approached and said “Hello” and all I could see after that point was the back of their head walking away.

2/ Being at a disco with some quasi-friends, I noticed someone that was by themselves the whole night and was watching around. I thought it would be nice to talk to them, and I did and a nice long conversation ensued. It was so good that my quasi-friends all abandoned me and left without telling me. Thinking that I was doing something nice, and not having any interest in this person, I thought that we were getting along and could be friends. Turns out this person only goes to bars to get an ego boost and make themselves feel like “they still got it” despite being in relationships.

3/ Trying to become a more warm person by not being adverse to appropriate physical interactions. I found people that i thought I trusted as friends, and started to greet them with hugs or fist pumps (for anyone that knows me, that one should make you laugh). While it seemed okay at first, I started to notice behaviours of avoiding me and outwardly rejecting.

These are just a sampling of some experiences, and I’m sure they could be extended back even farther with countless other examples but it got me wondering:

What do you consider social suicide?

Leave a comment and tell me what you think!

There are few moments in ones life where they can say that the stars align in their favour, but I can honestly say that the evening of April 4the was one of them. I simply am left without words, which for those who know me is quite the feat.

And what do I mean by stars aligning? Well take a look first at my horoscopes for the day.

Today you might have an important discussion with your romantic partner, osky. You’ve been experiencing some intense emotions over the past few days, and you might want to share your concerns with someone. You’ll feel better if you give voice to some of your hopes and fears. By verbalizing these ideas, they will lose some of their emotional charge. You’ll soon feel calmer and more in control, and your sweetheart will appreciate your honesty.

You will be in a good mood today and ready to share your high spirits with loved ones. With the Sun square Pluto, you might decide to take your family out to a new setting, such as a special restaurant or entertainment center. If you are single, you’ll be in the mood for a change of scene, and you might venture out of town for some good times tonight.

So really having reflected upon my walk home from the bar tonight, it really does fit well. So what has happened that was so important in my life to shift the axis of my emotions from hopeless towards content? Well for starters it started with boredom in a class that I was really struggling to focus in. My attention was focused within the last five minutes of class on an individual for whom I have had strong emotions for the last 6 or so months.

Fleeting or impossible as it may be, it’s unimportant to me because I recognize the need to have something to wake up for each day and be excited about. Whether or not I see them, or will bump into them is always a mystery but out of nowhere the conversation thanks to Facebook reached a pointe where it was “what are you doing tonight?” and the stars lined up. We were going to the same location, and thus panic ensued. I spent the latter part of the the time between the middle of class and time at the bar figuring out what to where and what I was going to do.

Desperate and pathetic SMS conversations followed and I was off to the location. So what happened that made the stars align? I made a new friend, in the most odd of places (at a bar) that actually seems like a good person and someone that I can spend the next few months around that will enjoy my company and be receptive to my awesomeness. Secondly and more importantly I had extensive talks on multiple occasions with my scandalously unavailable interest. Here and there, now and then, past and present I found myself gravitated and unable to resist making conversation.

I regret nothing, I didn’t doubt myself, and I went for what I wanted and I got what I wanted and then-some. I solidified as a friendship, and I made a new connection. These are important milestones in my life and I could not wait until morning to write them down. Which reminds me I have to text someone in the morning as I promised, and I have to live up to the expectation of not being a mean person (which I’m not), but the ice queen persona will need to be hidden as much as possible if I’m willing to pursue friendship with people.

Pray for my good fortune and continued success in things that I otherwise fail at. I appreciate anything I can get, and hope that restored hope in the situation will bear fruit of the most juicy and worthy of experiences.

Something happened to me tonight that makes me very, feeling strange I would say. It was an Erasmus night, and of course the others wanted to go out. We went to a Lebenese resteraunt and had a fun time, minus me, and then we met Mattchew, Mathilde, Mathieu et al. at a bar, where I leaned against a corner and was awkward as always.

Mathieu showed no interest in talking to me. This left me gutted.

We went to another bar, and I’ve discovered that the mathetmatical equasion 2 + 2 + 2 + 1 does not exual 7, but it equals 6 + Me. That doesn’t work. Again, ignored.

Did something rude, didn’t say goodnight, went home and with Audrey ran into someone crying on the street. It was an 18 year old who is manic depressive and who got abandoned by his friends. We spoke with him for a few minutes and made him smile, and got him to go home where it would be good. This situation made me realise what I am, and what I’m not. I’m not a good enough person for anything, and it makes me feel even worse than I do already (which is pretty bad in comparison).

Apart from that, I’ve come home, walking the slowest ever walked by me since I was 4 years old, can’t seem to get over it, and have decided that I’m going into total isolation. Turning my phone off (not like anyone is going to call it..) and not being seen by anyone other than my students.

I don’t have enough energy to be around people, and what bothers me the most is when the perfect people exclude you, and then use their sweetness and kindness to make it seem like it wasn’t intended. The next time I’m left somewhere, I’m leaving without letting anyone know. One day I’ll disappear and I hope people freak out and I ruin their time, like they ruin mine.