I live a pretty free life and I have had the privilege to have grown up in, and lived in places that do not (generally) suffer from extreme hatred, sexism, or discrimination. Sure, I have experienced sexism and witnessed it, but on the whole my life experience has been pretty hate-adverse.

So you might wonder why this post is relevant today or in the year 2022 nearly 2023. Well, in the last few weeks I have observed and experienced so much hatred in a place I never expected. I can neither hold it back, nor deny speaking out any longer. Why do I witness homophobia in my country? I am baffled and confused, and have found myself in situations that require me to stop, pull 180s and be dumbfounded.

I live in a country that has been one of the forefront leaders in LGBTQIA+ rights over the last 30 year period. Marriage is legal, laws against discrimination exist and are generally enforced, and it is even possible to adopt. Yet, why do I see and hear so much homophobia, especially from the 15-30 year old generation? Let me explain how and where…

I went to see a film, in fact one of the funniest and most true films I have seen in awhile. I could relate, I could laugh, I could cry, and all in one movie. One of the first mainstream gay films with a predominantly LGBTQIA+ cast, Bros is everything I wanted to see, everything I wanted to criticise, everything I wanted to wish for, and yet I’m left shaking my head not by the film, but by patrons in the cinema and in my community.

As you can see by the advertisement poster, it is obviously two men touching each others behinds. The trailers are not shy about it being a romantic comedy about a gay couple. In fact, the byline of the film is:

Bobby is a neurotic podcast host who’s happy to go on Tinder dates and content not to have a serious relationship. That all changes when he meets Aaron, an equally detached lawyer who likes to play the field. Repeatedly drawn to each other, both men begin to show their vulnerable sides as their undeniable attraction turns into something resembling a commitment.

Google

And yet, when the rather small theatre room in a rather large (probably the largest in my country) cinema starts to fill, my heart warmed a bit and at the same time broke. Here is a run down of what I witnessed:

1. Firstly a few 14-16 year old boys enter. They seem curious and excited; yay for open minded kids!
2. Then a couple enters. They are chatting away and I’m left wondering how the man will react. He was giving extreme straight-bro energy.
3. Then comes in some older men and women – nothing to note and all seem happy and ready.
4. Then a group of three teenage girls enter, all on their Snapchats, not paying attention to each other, taking each others photos and screaming out stuff like “delete it – fuuuuck” and so on – I wondered and thought, interesting.
5. Then a family with kids came in – I thought wow cool, neat that the whole family will see the film.

The stage is set, and nothing could prepare me for what I witnessed. I was having a great time with my friend. We were laughing every five minutes, getting all the jokes an innuendos and shade, and literally loving the film. It was after the first ten minutes that I started hearing the comments. The girls next to me said “euwww” and “gross” and kept taking photos of the movie and Snapping, clearly not paying attention or understanding half of what was going on. Important to note at this point that the subtitles were alright, albeit a bit awkward with the slang.

Then the family leaves rather discretely. And it hit me – this is the first time I have ever seen someone leave a cinema film during a screening. Then, seemingly the boys started going to the toilet, then a bunch more boys arrived and watched, came and went, and I thought “what is going on?”. We laughed some more, then the girls next to us had enough and muttered under their breaths as they left – good riddance I thought. And then the boys left a few minutes later, right when we were at the climax of the films plot. Needless to say, I was just confused.

Then I looked over to the couple, and the über straight guy was giggling and looking rather awkward, meanwhile his girlfriend was keeled over laughing her ass off. I was happy to see that us in the corner were not the only ones loving it and making it known. I just couldn’t shake the shock that there were so much homophobic behaviour (especially from the young girls).

It was at this point that I remembered walking through the mall, and seeing two men holding hands. A regular type guy saw it, and as they passed, pulled a 180 with a disgusted look, and just stared at them. I was walking behind, and caught glimpse of it, and then turned to gawk at him for his own behaviour. Meanwhile everyone else is just going about their business, phew, the masses are unbothered. Was it that shocking to see, given the widespread acceptance and seeming tolerance?

It got me all a thinking about gay topics in general, and noticing that in the last few years that I’ve lived here, people do still get a little bit uncomfortable when talking about, or being around LGBTQIA+ people or issues. On the whole, I imagine people are not homophobic, but the behaviour I see, and in particular the behaviour of men, certainly seems to say something different. Why is this still an issue in a modern, civil society? How could this reflect a large minority of my society? Do I truly live in such a loving bubble that I don’t regularly observe this fear or hatred?

Sure I understand that a huge percentage of the population is foreign-born, but I thought still that the attitudes were more gentle, more modern, or more adapted, especially in 2022. I guess being gay in theory is okay to these people, but when they end up seeing it, it becomes much more a problem and causes disgust.

At any rate, go see Bros. It’s freaking hilarious and will either confirm, or poke fun at every truth of the gay man existence.

I recently stumbled upon a new tarot spread that I hadn’t used before. I don’t really know the name, but the premise of it has to do with two people and helping to understand the intentions of both. This might be in terms of relationships or financial partnerships, but ultimately it’s two people.

For reasons I can’t explain, I had saved this spread a few weeks ago after finding it on reddit, and today I felt the right energy to give it a go and ask a question. It focuses on someone that I’ve recently met, and trying to understand what is going on.

The 8 Card Intentions Spread
For a lack of a better title, or until I discover the real title…

1. The other person’s energy crossed by 4. The other persons feelings for me
2. My primary/secondary energy 1 crossed by 5. My feelings for the other person
3. My primary/secondary energy 2
6. The other persons intentions 1
7. The other persons intentions 2
8. The other persons intentions 3

My Analysis

Drawing XV – The Devil as the initial card was both alarming and unsurprising; representing the other persons energy as being ignorant or blocked of some truth while also being constrained to the physical and material. Interesting, crossed was 0 – The Fool which is a natural opposing card, usually representing the beginnings or birth of faith, as an opposite it feels more like a cynic feeling or lack of faith relating to their feelings for me. Since I get a strong feeling of ignorance, I’m not very surprised that this person has been a bit foolish, superficial, or closeted. My intuition has been telling me of that things were not as they seemed, and the last thing I really want is to be taken on a ride by a person that doesn’t know what they want. Ultimately the energy of this other person, in my eyes, aren’t necessarily nefarious, but certainly more reckless than my own energy as outlined below.

In the positions of my own energy, I wasn’t surprised at all drawing the II of Swords and the King of Swords which to me is a strong energy of honesty and honourable intentions. More specifically the symbology represents the holding back and attempting to control of strong emotions, avoiding doing anything. This blocking or wall building perfectly sums of the situation, and looking at the King of Swords, further reinforces the honesty, analytical, and clear way that I’ve approached my feelings and energy. Being open and intelligent and a good communicator ring a bell in the situation, all reflecting my own energy related to my query. Opposed to these two cards is VII – The Chariot representing my feelings for the other person. Here I’m a bit perplexed as the symbol of victory, or using will to overcome situations might suggest the way I have handled the situation. I’m not sure if this is how it was during, or rather later after reflection, but in a lot of ways I do think I’ve been strong willed and overcome certain obstacles.

The remaining three cards representing the other persons intentions are IV of Pentacles, XX – Judgement, and the Queen of Cups. Initially my gut feeling of the ego and possessiveness didn’t really make sense to me, but looking a little closer with the judgement, or perhaps self-judgement, perhaps a decision needed to be taken. Being a bit biased since this is about me, I know the decision, but the card suggests that perhaps an absolution or resolution was sought, regardless of the outcome. I know there were certainly steps taken that seemed new on their part, perhaps it was this moment was a true moment of reckoning. Juxtaposed to this for the other person’s intentions is compassion of the queen. IT makes me wonder, is this the gentle nature that I felt, despite the confusion and harsh judgement? Though intuition can often be associated with this card, I think the other persons intentions were not quite there. Clear and caring communication was evident, but there was otherwise blockage on their part. Positive intentions masked by childish possessiveness and harsh actions.

Final thoughts

I think this spred helped me to solidify how I feel about the situation, as there were questions of intentions and a true feeling of openness and honest actions on my part, but on the other hand the intentions and feelings the other were perhaps more mixed and despite good intentions, perhaps the other person follows the fool’s journey and is early on in this self-discovery. I sort of intuitively knew as I was pulling these cards that there was something being confirmed in terms of the intentions of the other, but I just needed to reflect and check up on some opposing energies.

While I may be way off, I wonder if there are other interpretations? Did I miss something, or perhaps another someone else fill in some gaps in a more unbiased way? If you’re versed in tarot, I’d love to hear from you!

I sit here, nearly at the end of June, and with the traditional Midsommar festivities and the Summer Solstice on my back, reflecting on the month that has always brought me both extreme stress and intensity, but also relief and fulfilment: May.

While you might think that the erection of a maypole is central to the chaos of the season, but no in fact this is not the reason. For many years, despite having danced around a few dozen maypoles in my life (with or without a certain frog dance), the month of May has always been a lot, and by a lot, I mean a lot. A maypole would be a walk in the park, but the ribbons surrounding it do represent a rather large amount of work, and so symbolically it’s very representative.

First up, is the musical commitments. Whether it be ones I perform, or ones that I organise, May is filled with music and the end of term performances. This is mostly done to avoid the crunch of holidays that come in June, and the end of school terms. This year in particular, May 2nd and 3rd vexed me with an international music festival that required me to recruit, train, and get recordings of a new composition in less than 4 weeks. We even managed to perform it in front of the school, quite successfully I might add. Props to ya mama!

Then we move on to the worshiping of my own true religion, The Eurovision Song Contest. While most other religious observances happen for majorities of the world, this is the time for mine. Step aside Christmas, move to the left Thanksgiving, take a hike Diwali. With two weeks of rehearsals, a week of shows, and a lot of reviews, bopping around, dancing around, and worshiping the musical lineups to be had. It usually totals to about 10 hours of TV coverage through the semi-finals and final, but those who are long time readers of this blog know that I used to do reviews of Eurovision and Melodifestivalen, but that has long since stopped. My commitment to the cause of the European Broadcasting Company since the mid 90s has never waned. Who knows if I will pick up writing reviews again, but the memories of worshiping and fanboying Adam Svensson, Jonathan Fagerlund, Oscar Zia, or Edin Jusuframic , or any of the other worthwhile recipients of my affection, will forever be held in my heart, and in consequently on the pages of the internet.

Then comes the assessments, final exams, and marking, marking, and more marking. The life of a teacher really starts to pick up and tighten up in the month of May, and when you compound this with all the other stuff going on, it’s no wonder that sleep is lost. Whether it be the exams, or the comments required for final report card preparation, needless to say it’s a lot to do in a little amount of time. This year, with final grammar exams to torture my students and demonstrate how much more they need to focus in order to pass, the turnaround was very quick; almost too quick to manage. Despite this, I conquered.

The only thing that I didn’t mange to fulfil was the deadline for ordering supplies. I was 1 day late, and I regret it a lot, but alas it got done. I welcomed June, despite the arrival of Gemini (which always tends to be rather fickle for us Cancerians), I managed to get to the end and conqueror the month of May. You might think it’s silly to think that the period of Gemini would cause some problems, and sure Gemini does get a lot of hate, but for me the hurt is real. Some people like to say May the Fourth be with you, but truth be told… Let the Force of May be Mine for the Taking. Begin copyright… ha!

Happy Hunger Games, or should I say, may the odds be ever in your favour!

It happens once in awhile where you encounter a movie or a film that just speaks to you. Recently I’ve had a few that really just pop out to me and leave me begging for more or with a pit in my stomach and the need to binge watch. Today I watched a series through from Episode 1 to Episode 8 without interruption twice through. I just needed to see it again and upon second watch it made me think about something.

You might be wondering what sort of series could have such an impact. Well it could be any number of the fantastic series that have been produced in the last few years. Bridgerton is like a drug that keeps on giving, with the family drama of ancient times that just gives and gives and gives. Merlí, a series about a philosophy professor in Catalonia and the subsequent spin-off Merlï Sapere Aude in which a main character of the original series follows in his inspired teachers footsteps. And then there is the chillingly disturbing series Anatomy of a Scandal which caught me staying up way too late on a Sunday night. David E. Kelly strikes again, I said upon reading the credits. No, dear reader, these are not the series that haunt me in the most positive of ways; this one is more and more inspiring, and unsurprisingly a Netflix series (and let’s be honest, they are all just of a greatly high quality).

(more…)

It wouldn’t be the first time that someone mentioned to me that I walked my own path. In fact, if I were to really think about it, it would be something someone says to me at least once a month for what feels like a lifetime. It is so common to hear, that for the short time I had Tinder, I had Fleetwood Mac’s – Go your own way listed as my anthem.

It’s been said by my friends; it’s been said by my family members; it’s be said by co-workers; it’s been said by strangers that don’t even know me. If everyone is saying it, then it must be true, no? And so it isn’t until now that I stop to really reflect on what it means, and why it might be something to which I relate, or not.

I recently had a guest staying with me where this topic came up. Walking our own paths of course refers to our path of life, and how some people might be following a predestined path, or whether they tread down a path less trodden or more personal. This thus may remind you, dear reader, of the concept of the sheep and how they follow the masses. I think it’s fair to say that the majority of people, for the majority of their lives follow. There may be moments in their life where they go astray, but the flow is strong.

And so it makes me think about the trailblazing nature of my own life, and how most decisions in my life have caused me diverge from the masses and walk my own path down my roads, and through the empty forests. It can be a very lonely journey, I admit, but when we feel it’s right in our hearts it must be something we do, no? It wasn’t until recently that I started to consider this to not be something positive. If our heart is telling us to do something or to follow something, we are taught we should follow it. As a very intuitive person, this resonates for me. And yet, a conflict emerges.

Those that walk their own paths will undoubtedly compare the experience as if we are forging a path through deep snow. Each step is slower, and it’s unclear where the end is, as our vision is blinded. But we forge onward, trusting, and hoping that our journey brings us to a destination that we want and that is worthy of us. And yet, is this really the truth?

As I was trying to explain to someone that it’s okay to walk their own path, a dark thought kept coming up as I was giving advice. Is it really something that I should be recommending to someone? Do I really want to lead people down this path, knowing, that it often ends up being a painful and lonely road? Do these people have the mental and emotional fortitude to be able to manage this and the swings and twists and turns that happen? I used to think so, but this sinking feeling arose in my gut that perhaps it wasn’t such a good thing to recommend.

Perhaps we think it’s good to follow our hearts and go down our own paths, but when we reflect upon where we end up, we look back in retrospect in order to asses if we were right. Without realising I was doing it, subconsciously I was making that evaluation and posed myself these questions: Where am I? Where did these paths lead me? Is this right for me? Would I be happier or better off if I followed the other paths?

While these questions, technically, should be rhetorical I couldn’t help answering them myself. I’m sitting in an empty apartment in a town where I only have acquaintances. Career wise I’ve managed to scrape something together and find (relative) stability, but am I really living? Posing this question might suggest I think the contrary.

So why do we do it? Why do we recommend it? Why do we encourage and prise people that do it? Why do we guide other people down the same paths and encourage them, even with the best of intentions, despite the sinking feeling that perhaps it’s not for everyone, or even that it’s perhaps not done me well? That must be the sinking feeling I have been feeling lately, and when speaking to someone about it I felt such a hesitation.

And so it brings me back to that anthem by the classic Fleetwood Mac. I guess the message, purpose, or meaning of song really rings more true than originally thought. Lost forever shall I be, forging onwards deeper into the depths of the lost forest.

Or maybe I should just get more into orientering, and bring the lostness to real fruition.