Welcome to Helsinki, Finland where the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest has come. After having watched the webcast online due to lack of TV and French coverage, I’ve taken it upon myself to a review and critqiue of each of the acts, because I’m that awesome. The stage was absolutely amazing, and the hosts were goregous. I epecially like when Mikko Leppilampi does his little twirl! It makes me just feel like a kid again!

Bulgaria – Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankoukov
Qualified
Personal Favourite

Surprisingly I am into this music for some reason. The act was a bit boring with just two people on stage, but the mix of folk, modern music, and Bulgarian folklore was a really nice mix. I really wish that I understand what they were actaully saying. Vocals were half decent with a wonderful frog sound during one of her octave jumps! Most people will criticise this song for it’s lack of Eurovision, but I praise it for it’s different qualities.

Israel – Teapacks

I really don’t know what to say about this act, it’s sort of a discrace on stage, especially with the costumes and hopping around all the time. “Push The Bu-Push The Bu-Push The Button” words are annoying. The language mix was nice, but seriously, for an act that aroused so much controversy really just made me want to revoke my comments about Eddie Butler last year. As I’ve said for awhile, Israel, if you’re not going to send even a half decent song, stay at home, for the sake of all of us. Funny enough, this was one of the only Eastern countries that didn’t qualify, thank God!

Cyprus – Evridiki & D. Korgialas
Personal Favourite

Bringing back the songs in French rocks my socks, especially when it’s a song that’s actually spoken in decent French, and is rock! She looked a little bit nervous on stage, despite rocking the way through her song which was really nicely written and a favourite to qualify. You should have gone on, but I’m confused about something. You’re  mic stand was sort of weird, and you seemed to have not much to watch apart from you singing. I like dancing and colours and cool things like that! Your outfit was cool though, thank you for not slutty it up like some others *cough FYR Macedonia cough*. Even the little mix of techno in it makes me want to just jump up and break it down like I did in Prague!

Belarus: Koldun
Qualified
Personal Favourite

Despite you being a really good song, you will never compare with “Moj Galilej” back a few years. Your song makes me very interested, and it’s actaully performed really well with good background dancers and things to entertain me. It feels wrong saying that I like Belarus, but you really brought it this year. Charisma, good looks, a good act, a good song; you’re dangerous. You’re Russian looking, which is exotic and the James Bond act makes me shiver a bit, especially your shirt which opens up a little bit at the bottom. Your English is a bit sketchy, but better than last year Belarussian entry. I think what would have made this act just go over the top amazing would have been some sort of a strip-show. The nasality of your singing is a bit bothering, however your dancers distract it so it’s awesome.

Iceland: Eirikur Hauksson
Personal Favourite

I’m absolutely gutted about the fact that you didn’t qualify. This is the second time that Iceland has been robbed in the Semi-Final. You are seasoned singer, a great rocker, amazing performer, and great song. What went wrong? Absolutely nothing, your singing is exactly like the CD, which is flawless. Your stage presence makes me want to like rock, but I won’t; but I feel so betrayed by the world that you didn’t qualify. It’s just kind of sad that when a country actually sends a good song for once, it’s not noticed, it’s not like you’re Silvia Night or anything. Nordic jury was right about you, surefire qualifier gone wrong! Save me from your caged heart, rock and roll will heal my soul cause my heart is out of control! Well I’ll let it show, rock and soul has healed my soul!

Georgia: Sopho
Qualified
Personal Favourite

I’m sort of confused by this entry, it’s a werid song sung by a newcomer country. Welcome Georgia, you made a splash certainly! Beautiful dress, beautiful woman, beautiful voice, all mixed with samauris and weird music from the East. Normally I would hiss at this and not purr but your exoticism makes me quiver with unknowns. I’m a bit surprised that you actually qualified, being my dark-horse qualifer! Your English is absolutely ghastly however, which takes nothing away from your other good apsects, change of dress of the Final? Methinks blue would suit you quite well, or purple. The thing on your back was so cool but what’s with the jolting around? I feel like you’re a turtle or something, it’s kind of scary that you’re going to jump at the camera. Yay fireworks, Boom-bang-a-bang om du kommer till mig!

Montenegro: Stevan Faddy

Go home, simply said I just can’t really put anything into words for this entry. Montenegro for the first time as an independant entry and country sort of disturbed me to a large extent. I’m at least glad that you didn’t qualify. Blonde guy with earings on stage, who is clearly very short; kind of creepy. Odly you look a bit Japanese maybe becuase of your clothes, but your hands are making me want to chop them off. End the suffering and enjoy the concert from the background! Nothing special, nothing interesting, I want ot know what the Serbian word “Voiko” means though, just because you have it damn near put into my head. Cursed!

Switzerland: DJ BoBo
Personal Favourite

I am simply gutted by your lack of qualifiction. It’s not surprising because nobody votes Switzerland despite good songs, but Vampires, Tencho and Dance all in one song! *drools* I want to be in your act. Your dances are c
ool, costumes creative, great idea for the song, but the public didn’t take on it. :'( It makes me so sad because you were my favourite song for the Semi-Final and you didn’t make it! It reminds me a bit of Evan from Melodifestivalen, but it’s way better with Swiss people. It’s a happy song for me, despite being about dark things, what a paradox! I want to even learn your chorus dance, it looks funkadelik! Whoah nelly on the make up for the woman though, there are more sparkles on your eyes than on all of the black guy’s shiny gold vest thingie-ma-bob! By the way, a singer that can actually dance? Damn! I’m impressed! Shame I don’t get to see you again.

Moldova: Natalia Barbu
Qualified

I am a bit confused about this entry, as only after seeing the performance I remotely liked it. I hated it on CD but seeing it maybe got it to work for me? Something about the “I come from Moldova, play violin mixed with rock” maybe turned my crank? Also the usage of the clothes and stafs is really awesome, artistic and strong all at the same time. However, I need to take a moment to talk about the outfit chosen by her. She looks like a modern witch, and the fishnets on your stomach, sketchy! The English is horrible, “Let Nobody In” ? I would rather hear “Let No-one In”, but that’s a technicality. I had a vision of Gracia from Germany in my head whilst watching this, but I was more pleased by this performance. Another one of my surprise favourites that I thought would be a dark-horse. Stong voice also; girl, don’t become Lara Fabien though, please! But wait, someone has brought it to my attention that she’s more of a Cher rip-off looking girl, interesting concept.

The Netherlands: Edsilia Rombley

This isn’t one of my favourites, but it was a lot better than a lot of other songs and had high expecations only to flop; go figure! Is she going to go drama-queen like Dutch entries in the past? Song is good, singing is decent, she’s a pretty girl but I think for me it lacks uhmphf! I actually got slightly bored during this song and got distracted, so it’s not surprising that it doesn’t get top marks from me! Maybe the skanky dancers deterred my attention, but it’s a sorry rememberance of Andorra last year with those slutty dancers. While commenting on the Netherlands I’m gutted about how Paul de Leewue will be presenting the points again on Saturday night. This makes me depressed and irritated mostly because the way he talks is annoying, he takes forever, and everyone likes him? I do however want to see him hit on Mikko Leppilampi, the host.

Albania: Frederik Ndoci & Aida

Go home, I can’t find words to describe this. The singing was good, but the song just annoys me so much! The piano bits were more irritating, and just his look on stage makes me want to just shut down and die. Culture mixed is good, but too much violins in the Albanian entries in the recent years. And his huge blue ring on his right hand makes me think he’s the Godfather of gangs in Albania. Odd thought, I know but I’m just really biased about this song. As I said, go home; thanks!

Denmark: DQ
Personal Favourite

I’m not obliged to like this song, but I absolutely adore disco-schlager. I don’t like the fact that it’s a transvestite, but it makes it all the more funny. The dancers are brilliant with their fans drawing attention to the singer who is a great performer. The stripshow is amsuing, with a shocking three dress changes! Skimpier and sluttier each time, with the sexy robot dancers! The dancers are making me happy and the song is my happy song! The blonde dancer smiles too much bit it’s hawt, oh wait I realise that they all are blondes. The one on the left mostly! The feathers are amazing though, shake them you sexy dancers! So much going on, on stage it makes me feel a bit like I’m going into epileptic shock; this is a good thing! Yay and boo all at the same time for not qualifying!

Croatia: Dragonfly feat. Dado Topić

This is another go home entry. I don’t actually have much to say about this song, the afro hairdo on the chick was distracting. And Dado looked like a strung out rocker on coke; n’eugh said. Thank goodness for not qualifying.

Poland: The Jet Set

I really don’t know what to say about this song either. Polish singers trying to do rap in English, looking like skanks. This is another go home act! Seriously, it’s just sort of disturbing to have to watch this for three minutes. Maybe skank isn’t the right word, cheap whore perhaps? That guy’s pants are distracting, and the circle cage, which I would normally like I don’t because it’s cheap-whore material. All the thursting is just a bit over the top, no a lot over the top. Go home, oh and I just realised there is a point where she puts her leg up and it’s making her even more slutty and cheap-whorish. *shudders*

Serbia: Marija Šerifović
Qualified
Personal Favourite

Probably the favourite and by far the best written song in the competition this lovely Serbian entry is a bit contrasted with the fact that Marija looks like a man? She has an amazing voice, but the whole androgenous look isn’t working out for her. A performance of her life, as she stated, as well as a song to win the competition, she’s got it all and will be top 5 at least in the final. She just sings her heart out and it sounds great! It makes me want to learn Serbian and just sing with her. The part of the chorus: “Nebo zna, kao ja, Koliko puta sam ponovila, To nebo zna, baš kao ja” absolutely screams out tome!

Czech Republic: Kabát

Uhmm, this is a Czech rock Lordi rip-off I think. And it’s kind of creepy and not in a good way, but a decent entry for the Czech Republic’s first attempt. But I still can’t see how this would have gone anywhere even if it was a popular country or song. His deep voice is so raspy that it makes me shiver it’s so creepy! It’s not a go home song, but it’s just nothing that I’d normally be into!

Portugal: Sabrina

As usual Portugal is bang on with the crap songs. At least they are consistant, ya know? It would be really weird if it was flip-flop each year but it’s all good. It’s too, samba samba thingie with the huge fans that were just not cool. I don’t like the sound of Portugese either, so it’s not too much of a help. Maybe because they are so far away from Eastern Europe that they wouldn’t have a chance in hell; it’s just as well that way anyways cause it’s not a song worth voting for. Parisians would vote for them, cause
she’s hot, and Portugese, but it’s just too creepy for me to think about. I’ve not had good experiences with Portugese peoples so I’m also very biased, but at the same time it reminded me of Anna Book this year, but thinner better looking and less, “OMG LOOK AT ME”. She knew she wasn’t going anywhere, but still performed well within herself.

F.Y.R. Macedonia: Karolina Gocheava
Qualified

Why is it that you’re capiable of qualifying every year after year? It bothers me to a very large extent especially with this horrile song. Perhaps it’s the Na Na sounds that makes people think it’s decent? It just doesn’t float my boat. She had a nice dress on however, good colour but overdone with the same coloured make-up! The bottom of her shoes clashed tought, being red; how disturbing! It’s not that bad of a song however, I can see why some people would have voted for it, but personally I wouldn’t have touched it in a million years. It’s too, boring, too done every year by F.Y.R. Macedonia! Nai-na-nai-na die!

Norway: Guri Schanke

I have to take a stab at this song because it irritates me to large extent. It’s written by Thomas G:son, so it’s by someone decent, but seriously now, some salsa dance song sung by a Carola bo-tox queen wannabee? There are more wrinkles on her face when she smiles then in all of well, who knows. The point is that the song is a sticky annoying beat dance thingie that is making me want to shudder; yet dance a little bit. Scary combination, especially with the wardrobe changes, x3 into the skimpy little dress at the end. Uhm? You can do better Norway, or at least I’d like to think so.

Malta: Olivia Lewis
Personal Favourite

The conceptual act for this song is really good. Good singer, who looked a little bit awkward on stage, but the Chinese theme with fans was really quite nice to watch. The nifty things people can do with shirtless men and women with fans! Kind of nice for the “Vertigo” theme, with a catchy song filled with nice parts. Shame though that it was a favourite to go through and didn’t, Malta did well this year and unfortunately wasn’t rewarded. I cry for this song!

Andorra: Anonymous
Personal Favourite

I’ve never liked this kind of music, but this song is catchy and go team Andorra for finally sending something worth my listen! The band is cute, but very expresionless which is a sort of sad part, but not much to see or do but listen to the music. They speak English also; shock of the century! I really would have liked to see more effort with a band, since we all know that they aren’t actually playing on stage! This will probably be the first and last time that Andorra was a favourite of mine; sadly said! One of the background singers has an issue with harmony when going high in his register, cause it was like nails on a chalkboard at one point before the final Catalán chorus.

Hungary: Magdi Rúzsa
Qualified
Personal Favourite

Rhaspy blues for a great song from Hungary, a returning country to the contest. Her voice is powerful, low, soulful, with a great song, and I agree with Charlotte in the Nordic Juries on this one. It’s great, and I’m actually really glad that it was recognised as a good song and voted through. Maybe Hungary is just lucky to be in the East this year, not to arise controversy! But in all fairness it takes nothing away from her awesome performance on stage, what presence and talent! Ubsubstantial blues is an unfitting title, because it’s definantly substantiated! Go team variety this year!

Estonia: Gerli Padar
Personal Favourite

Sex appeal, great dancing, hot dancers, hot singers, great song with all just fitting makes me love this song more and more but makes me hate Europe for not choosing it to go on. Robb thinks that the act was over-acted, but I disagree, it was perfect and she actually dances with the dancers and sings at the same time; talent! It’s going to be a radio-hit for sure, and her and I are going to be forever Partners in Crime! That wide look in her eyes, when there’s the fire inside, it was the night that she was denied, she’s always a partner in crime! How lucky of her to get a little kiss at the end also. 😉

Belgium: The KMG’s

Go home; seriously. The intro to this song makes me want to rip my nails off, the disco look for the guy makes me want to die, and the song makes me want to fetch some earplugs. Love power? What power, I hope you came in last, or very close. This is definantly a go home song, but sadly I like disco, but this stuff is crap! I can’t feel the lover power coming my way, no, nor will I ever. Go home and put the bell-bottoms away brotha’.

Slovenia: Alenka Gotar
Qualified

Uhmm, what’s up with this? Opera can mix with dance or schlager, but I’m not feeling it. I like the thing in her hand, and her dress, but it just sounds weird. Why did we choose this song? What possesed us to want to see this song again? If the singer herself didn’t think she’d qualify then why should we vote her? Sure she can sing greatly and beautifully, but it’s just not doin’ it for me. I feel like she’s a female Nepoléon or something trying to conquer the stage with her weird attire and voice; sending shivers down my back. Drop this, pick up other songs pls.

Turkey: Kenan Dogulu
Qualified

Sexy and Turkish this song is, with the Shake it theme, but I don’t like the fact that “Shake It” appeared on the screen at each chorus; it’s very cheesy! Turkey is almost a sure-bet in to every Final these days, which is sad because sometimes it’s not worth it. The song is a nice mix between something and Turkish ethnic music, but I dunno. The guy is really short too, which makes me laugh, and his werid outfit was just uhm. Interesting? Good contempory artist, but I’m not a huge fan; could do without it I reckon. It’s differnet though, which I like of course but we’ve seen better.

Austria: Eric Papilaya

This was an interesting song, with focus on the pin of the red. Good message, but weird song; that I’m not that fond of. I see him and I think of a drug lord, creepy! Austria’s wecome back to the concest was a little annoying because of the text on the screens; that was bohering me most. See it’s the little things that do it for me; the weird cosutmes irritate me also just because they look like smurf blobs gone wrong, and I can’t figure out what gender they are. Boo ambiguity! He sings well, but it reminds me of my country music phase when I was babysat by my neighbours, I don’t know why but I also started to nod off becasue the show is so damned freaking long!

Latvia: Bonaparti.lv
Qualified

Finally we came to the end of the show that lasted far to long at a record 28 songs; and this song just makes me want to take a shower. They sing well, individually but not together. They are an Il Divo rip-off that sings songs that are much lower in quailty, and yet Europe still votes it in? Is this another Lithuania song for the year, coming from the Baltics? I’m just diturbed, especially that this is the song that I waited for the night to end! I could barely remember the first few songs, sadly by this point. But give them a freaking shower! Please. And on top of that, the whole missing in action thing during the week screams attention whore; what’s up with that? Not cool. Hobo opera? Charlotte said it best in the juries, give them a shower, seriously! As the lovely woman said: “Jag gillar det inte alls. Jeans, hög hatt, kavajer till knäna… De kan inte sjunga, ser inte bra ut, har inga ingredienser alls. Ge dem en dusch!”

And now for the general comments that are oh so much more important! One has to take notice of the obvious lack of qualification of Western-European countries. It’s simply unavoidable; true that the East produced some rockin’ songs this year, but at the same time so did the West. I don’t really know what happend, but to see that the only countires from the East that didn’t qualify were Poland (Thank God), Croatia (See Poland), Estonia (Sad), Albania (See Poland), and the Czech Republic (See Albania). Odd though, as I see a correlation quite frankly but even still the show was awesome. I just want to grab the cheeks of the hosts and tell them that they are so adorable and Finnish, God I ove Finland.

So much drama however, I just am in shock at the lack of qualificatino but oddly I got 6 out of my 10 choices this year, that’s the best I’ve ever done. Which means that 6 quality songs went through, according to my standards. Sorry for the over usage of the phrase “go home” but I can’t think of anything else, it’s simply go home material!

A day to recover and then the grand final, I’m so excited. I’m mostly excited about the diversity in the show this year, there is a little bit of everything; seriously! More schlager needed though, and for the record, who cares if Serbian singer is a lesbian or not; leave her alone!

• eurovision song contest 2007 mikko leppilampi