So should I be remembering or caring about things that happend in 2001/2002? My gut instinct says no, but apparently things go otherwise. People say that having a good memory is a gift; but for me, it’s always been a curse that makes things a million times worse.

So what suppurred the, lay in bed, crying, all upset, fall alseep for a nap and never wanting to get up mood? I just had a memory about someone that I was in love with a few years ago.

So I tell the story, abbreviated and with names hidden, and events generalized.

Out of nowhere one day I get an AIM message from someone, and it’s very random, but I don’t mind meeting random people because it’s fun sometimes. So I found out where they found the info. Very important to note, that it wasn’t me who initiated this, as that’s usually the case! Months go on, and J/M get along great and are pretty good friends, despite J/M living in U.S.A. So then one day after a lenghtly conversation I discover that I’m starting to get feelings, and they are pretty strong, let me say. I disregard them and just go along with acting normal like I always do, since I hide my feelings for others very strongly and don’t ever tell them.

So all of this just builds up of personal anguish, until one day I have the nerve to hint at it in a conversation. In the next few days I more or less say it flat out, but in an indirect way saying “I think that I’m falling for you” and the response was: “Nobody here thinks, they know Osky”
This came out of left field because I didn’t think that J/M knew, but apparently it was all more noticeable than originally thought. So we left it at that, not saying much more about it, because what exactly is there fore me to say? I’ve been in love many times, but of course it’s never been returned, probably because I’ve never told anyone it before, and it goes on for years and years.

So things are ‘normal’ like they were before, until one day that we were just talking, and out of nowhere J/M starts to be really flirty. I was surprised because they had been telling me that they were interested in someone else for a long while, so I was just very surprised. Other than this one day’s events, things were normal until one day there was a comment like “You know that I like someone a lot, but I’m waiting for them to get the nerve to tell me that they like me, because I think it would be good for them.” This comment was directed at me, but I didn’t find that out until a few days later, when I got the nerve to say it straight out, and then apparently it was “too late” becasue they had moved on (which I thought was a load of bleh because nobody moves on that fast!)

So things were a little tense between us, but since I can’t just cut off a relationship with someone abruptly, I couldn’t let go. Until one day when the conversation got a little intimate. I never forget how it all happend; November 03 2002 at 19.53 it all started and I’d never been more confused in my life. Mixed signals left-right-and-centre so I didn’t know what to think or feel, but J/M made me feel like I had a chance and that J/M really liked me the same way that I did for them.

The day ended, and I was really happy because I thought maybe for the first time in my life, taking a chance didn’t result in me going into depression for months. Boy was I really naïve in thinking that, because weeks after being ignored, neglected, or spoken to rudely it became a ‘poof’ gone scenario. I didn’t know what to do! Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? It was all my fault seemingly. After someone telling me that “If I were to be with a guy, you’d be the only one”, I get the cold treatment.. WTF? I felt like I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, I was taken advantage of, and I felt so vulnerable because I opened myself up, and like always people take advantage of me.

So I try to get over it, and clearly I still haven’t, but one day J/M pops online again, and I try to start up a conversation but it’s very cold, and very one sided. So I just let it be, until few days later it just goes dissapearing again. I found out later that I was just being blocked and such on and off, but I didn’t know at the time.

It’s years later, and I still shed tears every once and awhile when I remember the conversations that we had, and the feelings that still exist, despite all the bad things that have happend. I just don’t understand why the bad things always happen to me, when all I do is good things for people, and treat everyone with respect. So when the conversation today that sparked all this happend, I was taken into shock and I couldn’t move. I just layed in my bed, with my eyes open, basically dreaming with them open, and didn’t know what to think or feel. All I could feel was my insides ripping apart like always (a familiar feeling) and everything just feeling like it’s dead. I took a nap, and I couldn’t move, I knew and wanted to get up, but my body wasn’t co-operating becasue I was still feeling horrible and didn’t know what to do.

That was the first time that I’d ever felt something for someone and they seemingly had the same for back to me, but obviously it’s turned into the shits because look at how things are now? I’m still desperate to find out what’s wrong, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get over it. When I talk to people about it they just say: “You gotta forget it” or “You gotta get over it” but I can’t. My memory won’t allow me to, and as a result I think that I’ve been too afraid to take chances and try to live a life like everyone else. I sit around and mind my own business, keeping my feelings to myself because I’m so afraid to get hurt. I know that people get hurt a lot, and that’s itotally normal feelings, but I’ve been thrown around emotionally and physically since a very young age, and I feel that I can’t open myself up to anyone anymore.

Even back when I was in yr3 with Katja in the playground. Our school was splitting depending on where we lived, and Katja didn’t tell me that we were gonna be split up. We were best-friends, we did everything together. It was the most fun I’d ever had in my life (I was a kid), but then one day she went quiet and wouldn’t talk to me, and the very next day she dissapeared (going to that new school), and I never heard of her again. I was left alone, ditched, abandoned, and I felt like that forever, not being able to make other friends, to a point where I had to move schools and things weren’t any better. I ended up moving to Canada with my family, and things were the same here.

And then there was also Thom, in yr8 when I came here. Him and I would do everything together, we were best-friends (at least in my mind), until one day he got a girlfriend, and he completely forgot about me. When I say forgot about me, I mean, wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t have anything to do with me anymore, and it desvistated me. It was Katja all over again, but this time I had to see him everyday in the same class. He went to a different high-school, and never spoke to me again, even though I would call every-so-often to see how he was doing. It wasn’t until a few nights ago that I spoke to him, since I stumbled across his blog online, and sent him a message.

The scars were so deep and wounded that I still felt the pain from when he did those things to me, but I’m not mad anymore, but I asked him about it and all the could manage is “Wow you’re still hung up on things that happend nearly 8years ago?” The only response I could muster was “I’m not mad, I’m just confused and want to understand.” Never did happen, and for the rest of my life again, I am going to have to wonder.

So then what am I supposed to do about everything? Hide my life again and go back to being a little turtle with Gustaf, because that’s what it’s feeling like.. He can be so cold sometimes, to a point where I don’t even think that we are friends, so it upsets me. I tell him about it, and all I get back is the ‘…’ which angers me because it’s as if he can’t manage to say anything, or even have feelings. And so I said that I’m done with it, done with everything, I’m going to mind my own business and hold my feelings inside. I’ve had a poor success rate with doing that, but at least it means that I don’t get devastated for long periods of time.

The only last ‘episode’ that I had was in the summer with co-workers at the tennis club, that I got to know, and we went out to dinners and discos and stuff, but then afterwards I found out that half of them had been lying to me, hiding things from me, or talking about me behind my back the whole summer. So at the end of the summer, I didn’t tell them that I was going away to other side of the country for school, I didn’t even say goodbye, I just ditched them, like I’d always been ditched, never to see them again.

Now I’m getting e-mails from the club asking if I want to come back to work, and I vowed to myself that I won’t go back there, becasue I’m sick of being treated that way. I don’t want to see them ever again, but I don’t know if I have a choice, because wherelse will I play tennis? I just have no idea what to do about anything these days, my whole life is confusing and a whirl that has no ending, no beginning, and no answers to anything.

And now I’m just laying in bed with the same empty feeling, trying to fall asleep but not able to because I have no control over my emotions of thoughts of anything. I just want to be admitted to somewhere where they can tie me down, and feed me via I.V. and I don’t have to do anything, because I’ve got no motivation, energy, or desire to do or feel anything.

• confusion crisis emotions gustaf jac katja love pain tennis thom