Okay so why is it that interaction with people just makes me more and more confused in so many ways that I don’t even know how to describe. If someone is being a weirdo to me, after knowing them for five years, and me being more open that I’ve ever been with anyone, and I just get ‘I dunno’ or something like that. How can I expect to feel like a human being who interacts with people, when people won’t even interact with me and be hoenst with me.

And so someone makes a decent observation of me tonight too:

21.31.53 ::Ian:: säger:
you are scared of people.. you dont trust anyone…you think people are out to get you
21.32.07 ::Ian:: säger:
you try best to keep yourself out of any danger

How is it that someone I’ve known for about 2 weeks able to make an observation like this, and someone that’s known me for 5 years not? I trust Gus with everything that he would ever ask, and yet when I ask a simple question he can’t be honest with me. I don’t know how to understand this, or why something stupid like this always happens to me.

It’s not like I’ve done anything wrong to make anything in such a way where someone shouldn’t trust me, or want to tell me something. I’m very honest, especially with Gus (probably too honest), and what I get in return is the feeling of not being trusted, or not telling me something for reasons that either don’t exist, according to him, or are too stupid to mention. I don’t deserve it, and at the same time I make myself endure it for reasons that I have no idea. I can’t just stop doing something, or stop being friends with someone for no reason, especially when I’ve put so much time and thought into everything.

And so I proposed this:

21.12.46 osky.nb.ca – Pekka Heimo, my hero (even though he’s Finnish) säger:
But that’s not what I’m asking really.. If I decided to hide lots of things from you, do you think you’d notice first of all?
21.13.01 Gus säger:
Depends what it was i guess
21.13.47 osky.nb.ca – Pekka Heimo, my hero (even though he’s Finnish) säger:
See I don’t think you’d notice, and therefore you woudln’t care
21.21.12 Gus säger:
Well i gotta get going to bed

Oh my goodness how that makes me feel so ridiculus to have to say/ask something like that, but am I expecting too much? Do I expect too much of someone to be honest with me when that’s all I’ve ever been? Is it too much of me to be able to trust someone, even though it makes me more scared than anything before, perhaps my biggest fear as Ian says? Is it really too much for me to expect basic respect of my feelings? Maybe I should take my own advice and do exactly what I propose, block myself off again as I did so long ago and just let nothing progress, nor change. Have everything stay exactly the same until I deem it un-necessary to continue in such a way. Do I hide myself in all my forms and revert back to being someone with seemingly no feelings, emotions, thoughts, or opinion? Or do I continue to live in a vortex where I feel un-appreciated, un-cared-for, and more and more like a stranger who does everything by a different road, and not by choice, just because it happens that way?

It’s just so confusing and I don’t know what to think or feel in regards to any of it. I’m so close to doing what I say because I just don’t know if my mind or my emotions can take any more beating around on a daily basis. Consider me iceboy, not iceman, for reasons of age, maturity, and plain confusion.

It all just reminds me of a dream I had a few years ago, about getting off a bus into a gloomy atmosphere, being greeted coldy, and then taken off home, only later to be found running away from a house emotionally distressed and hiding myself in a bush not to be found by anyone, not that anyone would go looking anyways. I think the underlining message of the dream was to avoid putting myself onto the stage of life, where I can only be led to dissapointment and pain on daily basis. And besides, that’s where I woke up. I’ve obviously left out several details that I deem not necessary, including short conversation, and attempt at understanding of one another.

Bah to the world XX(