I’ve had a rocky day to say the least. I woke up and felt hung over without drinking last night. I met a good friends boyfriend who’s been witholding him because she knew that he wouldn’t like me. And then the whole thing made me think of the three times that people have told me that I’m the most non-threatening person they have ever met in their lives, and therefore am always a non-issue.

Then I have several conversations with people I know and I paid them nice compliments and they go completely unnoticed and/or purposely ignored. I used to think that I had some fumes of relevance, but after hearing “it makes no different but it’s sweet” I just fell off the deep-end.

When ones importance is so far back in the struggle-bus what’s the point in even trying?

Coming home is supposed to be something that is relaxing, welcoming, and a relief; especially for students who stress out for 6 months of the year!|-|

What do I get ‘welcomed’ home by? Well I sat down to talk to my mom about the weather (among other things) and she breaks out that the family is in a slight bit of a crisis; specifically a great financial crisis. And so I naïvely ask how much of a crisis. Well let me explain.

My father has apparently been out of a job since January, since the company didn’t renew the contract, and as a result he has been doing nothing except ‘look’ for a job for the last four months. In my experience of him ‘looking’ for a job, it includes going to the bar and getting piss drunk and then going on the internet to see what’s going on in the industry of electronics (that’s when he was at home during the summer of my graduation year). So he’s unlucky to find a job, and as a result, as always, money is the talk of life.

I can’t remember a time in my life where money wasn’t an issue. Whether it being me forced to eat tomatoes (despite being allergic to them) because they were cheaper, to turning so-called ‘happy events’ into talks of how expensive or cheap everything was. Even after me asking for the family to not talk about money for a whole 48 hours failed miserably when dad slipped and mentioned that the chicken we were eating cost only $7 apparently, and a was on sale. That resulted in me stopping eating and left the house for a few hours because I couldn’t believe that they couldn’t contain themselves.

And as a result, I hate money more than anything I’ve ever hated more! It is the thing that makes some people more happy, and others more sad.

So back to the present: money is ‘really tight’, which basically means that I’m going practically anorexic again this summer to make sure that I don’t eat the family out of house-and-home (because I’m blamed eating so much even when I’m 60kg and mom and dad are both obese). Funny how it’s always me who suffers. And so mom also mentions that if the situation doesn’t change in the next fwe weeks, the chances of moving to an apartment is a must, because living in a modestly-small house isn’t financially viable at the present time. She also adds that it’s a bitch because they are only 4 years away from paying off the mortgage, and then wouldn’t have to pay it anymore! If only dad could hold a job for the course of a year, without fucking it up. If he had been able to, then I’d not be 60’000$ in debt from student loans, and I wouldn’t need to worry about whether or not I will have a job after schooling.

“Money isn’t in teaching osky, money is in business” said my father many years ago. I want to do what I love and what I’m good at, I’d rather do that than be in something I hate and want to kill myself daily for. And besides, look where business got my father: unemployed and obese. Where were my role-models? Steffi Graf doesn’t count as one, because that was for tennis, but seriously now; I’ve never had someone to look up to, and that’s why I always wished I had an older brother :`(

So I guess I mentioned a little something about possibly going elsewhere to work for the summer, and well besides shitting a brick (so to speak) she wans’t impressed citing reasons like “you just want to spite us” (which is partly true) or “you wouldn’t be able to do it” (which is just plain bs). Why can’t they just be supportive for once? Not even getting into the countrys N°1 university is good enough! Bahh

Seriously considering more and more the move overseas, but like I’ve mentioned before, I’ve nowhere to live and that’s the main concern.