Thoughts on children

After some years of completely avoiding the topic of thought it seems to have resurfaced in the form of an epiphany which was triggered by sitting on the bus and seeing an older man (type 40’s) with his two year old son. I saw them out of the corner out of my eye, the young child eating a popsicle (for God only knows what reason in this cold weather). It triggered some thoughts that I had buried since I was about 19 years old and contemplating the future. They resurfaced, and I don’t exactly know how to describe how I feel about them.

When I was an older teenager I said to myself: at age 26 I’ll have been a teacher, I’ll live in an apartment, and I’ll start the process of somehow having a child. I’ll be a single parent, and people will think I’m crazy.

Well after years of suppressing these thoughts they started up again, and I was staring out the window of the bus and suddenly I went into a gaze and imagined myself with a baby boy. How it would be, being a single parent, how it would be raising a child, and how I wanted the atmosphere to be for a child and myself. It wasn’t thoughts of what the product would be, but rather the circumstances around it.

I really got into the thoughts, and then I thought about how it would happen, and why it would be something plausible to think about and to consider. It’s left me really flustered and confused. I will have to write more about it in the future, but why can’t this be something possible? What would this bring to me? Is it something that I should seriously consider.

The sad fact, is that I could see myself as Göran, from the film Patrik 1,5 and thus getting really pathetically desperate to have a child with his partner. I don’t think that I’d want to be ripping up the plants of the neighbours, but I definitely could see myself freaking about it, and how horrible of a situation I’m in, or will be in.

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