Something happened to me tonight that makes me very, feeling strange I would say. It was an Erasmus night, and of course the others wanted to go out. We went to a Lebenese resteraunt and had a fun time, minus me, and then we met Mattchew, Mathilde, Mathieu et al. at a bar, where I leaned against a corner and was awkward as always.
Mathieu showed no interest in talking to me. This left me gutted.
We went to another bar, and I’ve discovered that the mathetmatical equasion 2 + 2 + 2 + 1 does not exual 7, but it equals 6 + Me. That doesn’t work. Again, ignored.
Did something rude, didn’t say goodnight, went home and with Audrey ran into someone crying on the street. It was an 18 year old who is manic depressive and who got abandoned by his friends. We spoke with him for a few minutes and made him smile, and got him to go home where it would be good. This situation made me realise what I am, and what I’m not. I’m not a good enough person for anything, and it makes me feel even worse than I do already (which is pretty bad in comparison).
Apart from that, I’ve come home, walking the slowest ever walked by me since I was 4 years old, can’t seem to get over it, and have decided that I’m going into total isolation. Turning my phone off (not like anyone is going to call it..) and not being seen by anyone other than my students.
I don’t have enough energy to be around people, and what bothers me the most is when the perfect people exclude you, and then use their sweetness and kindness to make it seem like it wasn’t intended. The next time I’m left somewhere, I’m leaving without letting anyone know. One day I’ll disappear and I hope people freak out and I ruin their time, like they ruin mine.