So to put everything into a nutshell for the last 24 hours: I’ve had a mental and emotional breakdown, and as a result, I can’t sleep, and I have a language exam at 09.00 which is in 4 hours right now. So how did this all begin? Well of course, I am just being naïve little me, talking with my friends online and such, not having a life, because afterall, when have I ever had a life eh?
So I’m talking to Robert, and well as I’m sure one can imagine I’ve developed feelings for him, and whatever, despite anything, and it’s really been tripping me out because I don’t know what to do, and since we both go to the same chat I can see everyone else flirt with him and such. So that’s more or less what prompted me to say anything at all; the fact that some guy from Germany (who’s already got a boyfriend anyways) is the attention of Robert and appears that he likes him a lot, dispite having told me that he doesn’t believe that you can have feelings for people you haven’t met. So anyways, I ask Jim what I should do, as I’m confused, and it’s starting to hurt my feelings a little inside, and he tells me to talk to Robert about it, and I hesitate because I don’t want anything bad to happen, but finally decide to at least say something. So I’ll leave to you the conversation as it went:
20.31.37 oskyldig.nb.ca: jag menar, tänker du som vi ska bli bra vanner?
20.32.19 Robert: vi är väl redan vänner?
20.33.02 oskyldig.nb.ca: ja, jag tänker.. vad tänker du?
20.33.33 Robert: jo jag tycker vi är vänner
20.34.17 oskyldig.nb.ca: bra! men tänker du att vi ska bli bättre vänner?
20.34.30 Robert: vad menar du med bättre vänner ?
20.35.29 oskyldig.nb.ca: jag menar bara bättre vänner.. jag gillar dig, du är mycket coolt
20.36.08 Robert: hehe jo du med, men alltså jag är förvirrad av bättre vänner för jag förstår bara vänner och sen pojkvän/flickvän
20.38.42 oskyldig.nb.ca: lol okej okej, kanske borde inte jag säga ingenting av det lol
20.39.06 Robert: hehe
20.40.23 oskyldig.nb.ca: jag gillar dig, jag tänkar att du är mycket coolt, och jag vill att säga till dig =)
20.40.39 Robert: jag tycker du är mycket cool med
20.41.01 oskyldig.nb.ca: tack
20.48.09 oskyldig.nb.ca: hmm jag bara menade.. vet inte.. jag är mycket förvirrad oxå lol
20.48.31 Robert: hehe
20.48.41 Robert: sitter och ser på scrubs
20.49.03 oskyldig.nb.ca: jag vet inte vad jag försöker att säga lol
20.56.26 oskyldig.nb.ca: jag gissar… att säga att jag gillar att änga tid med dig lol
20.56.51 Robert: jo jag tycker också om att prata med dig
20.57.34 oskyldig.nb.ca: lol
21.04.19 oskyldig.nb.ca: lol Robert:, jag tänker att jag gillar du mycket ibland lol
21.04.41 Robert: ojdå
21.05.11 Robert: du menar väl inte starkare känslor än vän ?
21.06.48 oskyldig.nb.ca: vet inte, kanske ibland
21.07.38 Robert: oj det trodde jag int
21.08.05 oskyldig.nb.ca: oj? varför inte?
21.09.54 oskyldig.nb.ca: men jag vet inte, ärligt talat
21.10.24 Robert: ah ok
21.11.08 oskyldig.nb.ca: är det ett problem?
21.11.39 Robert: alltså inte egentligen, men jag måste ju säga att jag inte har samma känslor
21.11.45 Robert: jag tycker du är en god vän
21.14.09 oskyldig.nb.ca: jag hoppas!
21.16.58 oskyldig.nb.ca: inte en utsikt alls?
21.17.09 oskyldig.nb.ca: heh
21.18.15 Robert: hehe alltså det vet jag inte… jag letar inte efter en pojkvän för tillfället och jag har ju aldrig träffat dig
21.20.59 oskyldig.nb.ca: jag vet jag vet worry not skulle du vilja att träffa kanske en dag, eller?
21.21.48 Robert: jag vet inte… detta är svåra frågor
21.22.49 oskyldig.nb.ca: svåra frågor emedan..?
21.23.48 Robert: alltså jag tänker aldrig på sådana känslor om folk på internet
21.24.42 oskyldig.nb.ca: ahh okej, jag tänkade det men… lol jag vet inte! lol
21.25.01 oskyldig.nb.ca: ska du inte hata mig nu? lol
21.25.44 Robert: nej nej
21.25.48 Robert: absolut inte
21.25.58 Robert: ser dig fortfarande som en vän
21.27.12 oskyldig.nb.ca: okej men jag vill att ha ett öppet sinnelag
21.27.51 Robert: hehe jag älskar dina översättningar från engelska direkt till svenska
21.28.58 oskyldig.nb.ca: lol varför?
21.29.01 Robert: föresten, bwo albumet fanns på gay torrents sidan
21.29.06 oskyldig.nb.ca: oki
21.29.06 Robert: “sinneslag”
21.29.12 Robert: antar att det var från mind ?
21.29.19 Robert: open mind
21.29.27 oskyldig.nb.ca: mm
21.31.37 oskyldig.nb.ca: ska du göra samma?
21.31.46 Robert: open mind?
21.31.48 Robert: alltid
21.33.32 oskyldig.nb.ca: lol och med den situation?
21.33.55 Robert: ah jo, men jag tror inte det kommer ändras tyvärr
21.35.14 oskyldig.nb.ca: heh worry not jag måste gå att sudera nu.. for real
21.35.26 Robert: tenta imorrn va?
So that’s what happend, and despite my broken Swedish, and all that went on, it’s easy to see where I struggled because of the large time blanks. So that’s what happend, and now I’m totally regretting it and even regretting saying anything because I’m in a horrible position where I’ve cried all night, and it’s led to so many other things to just go wrong.
I don’t understand why he flirts with me, if he doesn’t like me! I feel maybe that I was led on to think that he likes me more than he does, by what he says, but I honestly thought that maybe there was even a little chance for anything, but nope; shot down right to the ground.. No chance what-so-ever. So I leave myself to think: 1) what’s wrong with me? 2) am I not good looking enough? 3) is there anything I can do to change it? 4) why the hell did I do something so stupid like this?
All fair questions, none with answers because quite frankly I don’t expect them to be answered even if I were to ever ask them to him or anyone. So how does this all relate to a mental breakdown you ask? Well it got me thinking because by the time I said ‘I have to go study’ it was more of me saying ‘I have to leave because I’m about to cry and can’t take this anymore, and maybe I’ll try to study if I’m not too shooken up.’ So I log off MSN and go onto my other ‘secret’ account so that I can talk to Gus, the only person that I feel I can talk to about it maybe, but I got proven wrong again by him.
I tell to him vaguely the situation of what happend, and how I feel saying that I feel really empty all the time, and that I have no purpose, and that I’m just never good enough for anyone. I listed people like my parents, my ‘friends’, my tennis coach, or anyone else that matters. It’s because I’m treated like shit and nothing I ever do is good enough. This prompted me to explain at least one of them, my parents, which he knows full well that I don’t get along well with. So I tell him that even getting 100% in a course, having a life, doing everything they ask, never getting into trouble, doing community work, being a perfect child to them, and it still is never good enough; which is true, it really just isn’t.
All he can say to that is ‘bs’, so then I go and explain the situation and such to him with all the details and after me sitting there waiting for response for 40mins to the second, I decide that clearly this was a bad idea and that I have nowhere to turn. I really really don’t, and I don’t know many ways I need to say it, but I can’t stress it enough. Family, obviously the situation; can’t go to them, ‘friends’ (who ditch me and don’t give a shit) cant go to them, and even the one person who I trust more than anything with my whole heart and soul, can’t go to him as it’s useless. It really just proved everything I say to him: I’m just not good enough, even after being perfect. I even say that I should just do something drastic and stupid to at least give people a reason not to like me, or to not be satisified with what I do, because at least then I can not feel like it’s not fair.
So I go downstairs to ‘destress’ nobody’s there, I take a walk outside and pace to get some fresh air (that doesn’t help) and then I just start to cry, and I cry and cry and cry until I don’t even understand what I’m crying about anymore. And then I go back downstairs again, and Adam is there and I demand to him that we play Nintendo because I am having a crisis and need to get my mind off it. I loose at it (obviously cause I suck at videogames and never play) and then I sit there, with my stuff to study and I just have no motivation because I have so much others on my mind. So everyone else come downstairs to talk and be social, and I just sit there, and get the huge ice-creame tub from the freezer and just eat, and eat and eat until I couldn’t eat anymore, and then I half-tried to study a little bit, and now I’m here, and I’ve been trying to get to sleep for 3 hours.
Tears on-and-off because I’m imagining scenarios of how I just ‘blow up’ to my parents and tell them that for 8 years I’ve been unhappy and too damned afraid to say anything, and that dispite being perfect I’m never good enough, so they should take care because at a point maybe I will be gone and they will never see me again. I imagine it, and I realy feel like it’s what will happen and that I need to happen. So then that means that I decide that I will move out, and what I think of is just clearing my room out completely; throwing out all old stuff that I don’t need, and secretly leaving my room empty one day so that when they return it will be just empty and they will know immediately what happens.
But a snag in my imagination, how do I get my stuff out? Well I assume that I ask a friend to help me, but then I think of who I could, and I can’t think of anyone that would help me or that would even think to be assistance at all, so that just makes me more sad. And then I imagine situations that I leave the country, and go to the UK or Sweden or something with just a little bit of stuff, and the hope that I can find somewhere to live or some work or something, so that I can support myself; but of course I can’t because nobody wants me afterall!
And to think this all stems out from the simple words of Robert saying: “I’m sorry but I must say that I don’t have the same feelings”
It’s not like I’ve never been rejected… Scott ditched me after I hint to him that I love him, Adam never talks to me again because it became obvious that I like him, Gustaf doesn’t want to be close friend to me because I’m in love with him but it’s hopeless for me, so I’m no stranger to being rejected. I’ve never NOT been rejected in fact, so I’m used to it, but one just really really hit me hard and I don’t know why. Maybe because I was led into believe that there was hope for a chance for me, but just like I mentioned before, I’m not good enough, and hey, it’s not news so why bother to think or react. But I’m really really really hurt, and I just don’t feel that I can write the exam in now 3 hours since its 05.55 and the sun starts to rise.
Like I said to Jim before I signed offline suddenly: I just want to crawl into a hole and die, as it’s the best solution for all.
I’m sure I’ve left out something or some details, but right now so much goes through my brain that I can’t manage to sort anything out, except that I’m tired, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get to sleep! So I’ll put my head down and try again for a few hours, even though I know it’s pointless and useless for me to try.
Also as a side-bar-comment, my train leaves on Friday and it takes 26hrs to get to Toronto, so I’m thinking that I won’t go onto chat tomorrow, since he will be there, and I’m too ashamed to be seen or heard of, and just fall off the planet until Sunday (by blocking certian peoples). I just really don’t know what to do, or what I’m feeling, or anything.. I’m just tripping up left-right-and-centre, with nowhere else to turn, like always (which suprisingly still isn’t something I’m used to, since I don’t have any close friends or people to talk to).